Because any yutz can pick the top four teams now, and that includes the living bobbleheads on the playoff committee, the last Sad Man’s Top 25 will include none of the Final Four.
Screw them. They’ve gotten enough play.
These are the he-men, he-women and he-undecideds who deserve our attention, and if this doesn’t sit well with you college football traditionalists and backwater yobbos, well, a cheerful holiday “Bite me” will have to suffice. I don’t do this for you. I do it so the boss will shut up.
1. BAYLOR: Lose the TCU game next time, you psychotic maniacs. Learn the system to love the system.
2. OHIO STATE: If Urban Mayer was so damned special, why didn’t he make Minnesota worse than Virginia Tech? That’s what I thought. Sounds like Buckeyes-Bears is your best postseason matchup (the We’re-In-No-Mood-For-Your-Stupid-Festivities-So-Piss-Off-Everyone Bowl, brought to you by Everyone On The Internet), even if you have to break some rules to make it.
OR, IF THE COMMITTEE CANDYPANTSES THE JOB . . .
2. TCU: Next time, be a bigger school.
3. MARCUS MARIOTA: If the playoff committee also decided the Heisman Trophy, he’d have finished behind Margo Martindale. As it is, he’ll actually have to read a speech Monday, and life just sucks that way.
4. COLIN KAEPERNICK: Maybe he could do Mariota’s speech.
5. JIM DELANY: Finding out your teams have as much right to a place in the playoff as West Bromwich Albion must make running a despotic fiefdom a lot less fun. Then again, if Ohio State gets in, Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby is out, which is almost as much fun.
6. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS: Have won one more game this week than any of the stupid playoff teams. Nerlens Noel is laughing at all of you, you hideous posturing frauds.
7. DERRICK ROSE’S FASHION SENSE: “I Can’t Breathe” is the new orange. We approve unreservedly.
8. UNIVERSITY OF THE SCIENCES: A school nobody ever heard of put a whipping on Drexel in basketball the other night, and then discovered nine new stars on the way back to campus. Beat that with a stick, you dullards.
9. NEW JERSEY INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY: Whipped Michigan at Ann Arbor in basketball Saturday, proving that between Ohio State winning, firing Brady Hoke so they can still not get Jim Harbaugh and a bunch of fans betting so much money on Harbaugh coming that casinos have taken the prop off the board are all signs from God that the Wolverines have spent too much time hitting on 17.
10. JAY GRUDEN: According to the Washington Post, may be fired by the local football team for not being nicer to Robert Griffin III. The local football team stinks, and will never not stink.
11. VANESSA MAE: A British pop violinist (Symphony Sid Page spits on your bio, by the way) who is appealing a four-year ban for fixing giant slalom races that allowed her to qualify for the Sochi Olympics. Here’s hoping she loses, is ordered to go to jail, but is paroled and escapes punishment by becoming a director and bribe collator at FIFA.
12. EVERYONE WHO COMPLAINED THAT THE U.S. WOMEN’S SOCCER TEAM GOT PUT IN THE 2015 WORLD CUP’S ‘GROUP OF DEATH': For the love of God, clamp your flapping faces, you whingeing ninnies. In women’s soccer, the United States is still its own Group of Death, Without Benefit Of Insurance.
13. COLORADO STATE: For squeezing $5 million out of Florida for poaching head coach Jim McElwain, and then boasting about collecting the entire buyout. Good for the Rams. Now I guess they’ll have copier toner for the next seven months.
14. OREGON STATE: For only getting $500,000 out of Nebraska as a buyout for Mike Riley. Who runs that general store anyway, Sam Drucker?
15. MIKE GUNDY: Beats Oklahoma, winning much love from the congnoscentii of Stillwater, and now he can either squeeze an extension out of T. Boone Pickens or take his choice of any number of crap vacancies to choose from. Our guess: UNLV. The football reeks, but the money is free and plentiful, plus he can yell out his age randomly at a whole new set of sportswriters.
16. SMU: By beating Connecticut to avoid going 0-12, Ponies show that even the most desolate situation has nothing on, well, Connecticut, The State That Sane Forgot.
17. VOMIT: Tiger Woods shot a 69 at the Oh Who Gives A 37th Of A Damn Classic at They’re All The Same Country Club in Of Course It’s Florida You Meatbrain, but started his round with a healthy power breakfast release. Yay Omelets!
18. VOMIT AGAIN: Arizona center Carter Wood threw up on, THEN SNAPPED the ball in the fourth quarter of Bear Down’s comprehensive loss to Oregon, making quarterback Jerrard Randall play with a pukey ball. Yay Whatever They Make College Kids Eat In Lieu Of Pay!
19. VOMIT ONE MORE TIME: Wood did it on successive plays.
20. VOMIT, THE SECOND-DAY LEDE: Without referencing Wood’s gastric issues, the Arizona Daily Star put this headline on its game story: “UA football: Hard to stomach as Ducks crush Cats”
21. DETROIT PISTONS: Not only lost to Philadelphia for their 11th consecutive failure (yes, I suppose this could be Misdirected Vomit, but why belabor a stupid idea?), and is only one game ahead of Sixers at 3-16. Don’t you hate it when the wrong team is tanking?
22. PETE MANGURIAN: Freshly dismissed Columbia coach who not only lost his last 21 games but has been accused of abusing players and trying to make them play with concussion symptoms. That’s a hole in the old resume that nobody will ever notice.
23. NEFERTITI P. GOAT: In a match between two amateur soccer teams in Crete, a goat (we made the name up) stood in one goal and kept returning despite being repeatedly led off the field, causing several delays and forcing the home team’s general manager to send out for mint jelly. The goat was eventually dispatched but one of the teams has signed an elephant and two rhinocerii for the reserve team.
24. 10.6: The average margin of victory in the Division 1-AA, Division II and Division III playoff games this weekend.
25. 25.6: The average margin of victory in the seven FBS conference championship games this weekend. And once again, when you’re looking for fun, big-time college football eats it.
And until next season, may you all do the same.