“Nothing really matters,
“Anyone can see
“Nothing really matters,
Freddie Mercury, The 2014 Phil Steele College Football Annual.
X X X
No, nothing really matters any more, especially in college football, where everything you know is a lie, everything think is inane, and everything you see only makes you ache for another belt of Old Galoshes Select.
So, here are 25 things, assembled for no good reason.
1. THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI: For beating Alabama, for beating Texas A&M, for getting Katy Perry to hold up a corn dog as though she were Princess Leia impersonating the Statue of Liberty. For all of it.
2. THE STATE OF ARIZONA: For beating Oregon, for beating USC, for not being the hottest place on this stinking gaseous ball we call a planet for the maybe the first time ever.
3. THE STATE OF UTAH: For beating BYU, for beating UCLA. Points off for accidentally hurting BYU Tayson Hill, but not enough to drop out of the Top 3. A playoff berth is guaranteed if the NCAA stops caring about TV ratings . . . so, no.
4. THE STATE OF YUSMEIRO PETIT: For winning Game 3 of the Giants-Nationals series, and putting San Francisco up, 2-0. If you watched the game, the math works. Trust me on that. If you didn’t, go away.
5. THE STATE OF VIRGIN MOTHERS OF DEITIES/PROPHETS/ALL-AROUND SWELL GUYS: Two weeks after Arizona beats Cal with a Hail Mary, Arizona State does the same to USC. Well deserving of a separate citation, even if it does throw college football writers into a new purple tizzy.
6. THE STATE OF ILLINOIS: For Northwestern beating Wisconsin, for no apparent reason.
7. THE STATE OF INDIANA: For Notre Dame saving what was a horrid game with Stanford by converting a fourth-and-ridiculous to win the game.
8. THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA: For Cal overcoming Stanford by putting 60 points on Washington State despite GIVING UP 734 YARDS PASSING. SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR YARDS, DO YOU HEAR ME?
[RELATED: Cal tops Washington State in shootout 60-59]
9. THE STATE OF FLORIDA: For offering up Florida International, the hands-down preseason shameburger that now plays the least unappealing brand of football in the state. Next to Florida State, that is.
10. FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: For the Washington Post using a two-year-old photo on its front sports page Saturday over stories about the Nationals’ Game 1 loss to the Giants. The tipoff: Michael Morse is in the Nationals dugout.
11. THE STATE OF IOWA: For Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard going to head coach Paul Rhoads’ postgame presser to rip Big 12 officiating. We need more chaos, because this is not enough.
12. THE STATE OF PLAY IN LONDON: Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger shoving Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho over a foul during the two teams’ Sunday match. That’s over 100 years of loony.
13. THE STATE OF MICHIGAN: For finding solace in Central Michigan’s win over Ohio while Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, Regular Old Gonna Fire Their Coach Michigan and the Tigers are all curling up and drying out.
14. THE STATE OF SOUTHERN METHODIST: For tripling its season scoring by rolling up 24 points on a helpless East Carolina team that could only respond by scoring 45.
15. THE STATE OF AMERICA: For Bartolo Colon getting U.S. citizenship despite pitching for the New York Mets.
16. THE STATE OF BETTING: For TCU’s win over Oklahoma, making the only unbeaten and untied team both straight up and against the line.
17. THE STATE OF INAPPROPRIATE GRAY: Now that college football uniforms are meant to look like clown underwear, Syracuse combines gray and orange and put-a-pen-in-your-mouth-and-cough numerals in a way that makes even Rochester laugh.
18. THE STATE OF NAMES: The nation’s leading rusher, Nebraska’s Ameer Abdullah, was referred to “Muhammad” by Lou Holtz. Other suggestions were Ali, Ollie, Mustapha, The Boy Who Beeps and “Just put it on the prompter.”
19. THE STATE OF THURSDAY: The NFL recalls its CBS Thursday package for a few tweaks.
20. THE STATE OF AUBURN: Now that Alabama’s taken one in the eye, the Tigers are swagging it up – just in time for Mississippi State, The Old ball Coach and Mississippi. Blood on the moon in our next exciting episode.
21. THE STATE OF GEORGIA: Well, Tech, anyway.
22. THE STATE OF WYOMING: 121st in points scored, which is awful, playing Hawaii, which is 112th. Both teams will defer the coin flip and all other actions.
23. THE STATE OF COASTAL CAROLINA: 6-0, and hell, someone has to take this football thing seriously, right?
24. THE STATE OF BRAINS: Harvard and Yale are the last two Ivy League unbeaten, so we’re expecting NCAA investigators any day now. Damned stupid Kierkegaard.
25. THE STATE OF THE LAW: The pac-12 continues to defend its officials with all the zeal one expects in a league where the rulebook is largely considered something to use to even out that coffee table.
Next week: Hell resumes, featuring Tom Watson and Phil Mickelson in a nude-wrestling showdown.