Because college football is being played solely by crazed drunks this year, your Top 25 is of moments that only drunks could, should, and would appreciate.
Remember, if you find any of these insufficiently serious or worshipful to this great monument to the culture of amateur sport, send your complaints to no address whatsoever. They’ll have as good a chance of being read of you don’t send them as if you do.
1. Florida State scares Jimbo Fisher half-fired before beating North Carolina State at Raleigh with the help of Jameis Winston and Jesus (Bobo) Wilson. As an aside, I think Pope Frankie could do the church a world of good by saying that the other Jesus’ nickname was also Bobo.
2. Georgia Southern covers the minus-17 in a win over Appalachian State, making it the only 5-0 team against the line in the entire country. ABC, baby. Always. Be. Covering.
3. The Old Dominion security contingent for struggling so mightily to corral single streaker who spiked the ball and delighted the ODU student section in an otherwise Old Dominion-y loss to Middle Tennessee.
4. Mississippi, for beating Boise State, which beat Colorado State, which beat Boston College, which beat USC, which beat Stanford, which beat Washington, which was unbeaten until it decided to run a fake punt with eight minutes to go in a tie game.
5. After Michigan’s home loss to Minnesota and Utah’s home loss to Washington State after having a three-touchdown lead, lots more Jim Harbaugh-to-Ann Arbor rumors.
6. North Carolina’s defense reducing its points -- allowed by 20 against Clemson -– which would be more impressive if you didn’t remember that the Heels gave up 70 to East Carolina the week before.
7. Stanford inside the other team’s 20-yard-line. Anyone’s 20-yard-line.
8. Watson Brown of Tennessee Tech for becoming the first coach in history to lose 200 games. He shared the old record with Hall of Famer Amos Alonzo Stagg, and no, don’t get any ideas.
9. Wake Forest threatening to average two yards per offensive play against Louisville . . . and failing.
10. Trevonne Boykin, the TCU quarterback who had to save a botched snap but threw the ball against the goal post from behind it for a safety.
11. SMU defensive lineman Zach Wood for being offside on the play that negated the safety.
12. SMU losing, and now being outscored on the season, 202-12.
13. The secondary coaches in the Massachusetts-Bowling Green game, who guided their charges to 1032 yards and eight touchdowns allowed, eight TDs and one interception, and a rating of 153.0. That level of pixel overheating must have explained the video board collapsing in the third quarter.
14. Colorado, for breaking the Pacific-12s 15-game winning streak over California.
15. To Berry Tramel of The Oklahoman, who asked the musical question, “Is Texas Tech coach Kliff Kingsbury actually Anna Kournikova?”
16. Yankee manager Joe Girardi ripping his players in a pregame for not being properly Yankee-ish this year, right before the players were to lavish Derek Jeter with gifts.
17. Girardi for not pitching Jeter Saturday after Boston scored eight runs in the second inning.
18. The Stalinist maniac or maniacs who thought Wyoming should play at Oregon and Michigan State in three weeks, apparently in an insane attempt to get into a power conference as the Washington Generals.
19. To Arizona State for channeling its inner Cal and being outscored 55-10 in the final 44 minutes of its loss to UCLA.
20. Penn State guard Brian Gaia blocking teammate and tackle Andrew Nelson on a fourth-and-one that lost two yards nd helped propel Nittany Lions to an absurd 29-6 loss to Northwestern.
21. Penn State offensive line coach Herb Hand, who tweeted, “Today was ugly . . . that is MY fault. We WILL get better because we have GREAT young men w/ POSITIVE attitudes that aren't afraid to WORK.” “WORK” will begin Sunday at 4 a.m.
22. The South Carolina fans who thought Michael Sam gay jokes on a sign were just the way to spice up ESPN’s GameDay show. Their reward: Losing to Missouri at home.
23. The U.S. Ryder Cup team, for being the U.S, Ryder Cup team.
24. The officials in the UTEP-Kansas State game who needed 12 minutes to figure out they’d cacked up a blocked punt call.
25. And finally, the A’s, for setting a land speed record for backing into, and maybe out of, a potential playoff berth and still giving no signs of being able to find the brake.