How much more of this must we pretend to endure? Well, at least one more week, so shut up.
1. FLORIDA STATE (8-0): A potential national champion without a single rooting interest unless you went there, and even then, you’re not sure you don’t feel slightly dirty about it.
2. DUKE (7-1): Because if you don’t think Duke in the playoff isn’t a great and deserving finger in the eye to all of college football, you are a simp.
3. TCU (7-1): FIGHT OUR CRUEL SEC OVERLORDS! DO NOT SUCCUMB TO THE EMPTY PROMISES OF THE SLIVE! REMEMBER APPOMATTOX! There, I think we’ve covered all the stupid arguments.
4. OREGON (8-1): For sucking the rest of the fun out of the Pac-12 race, and for wearing uniforms that actually made the numerals distinguishable from the phlegm-based mosaics they usually produce.
5. MISSISSIPPI STATE (8-0): You do know that was Arkansas, right? And that you were playing at home, right?
6. MISSISSIPPI (7-2): If there’s a worse way to lose a game, a season, a playoff spot and a player, it would involve a crazed mob wielding hammers and swords. Or Phil Leotardo’s car running over his head in the last episode of The Sopranos.
7. ALABAMA (7-1): A day without Nick Saban looking like he’s helping a friend pass a kidney stone is like a day without sunshine.
8. JOSEPH RANDLE (0-52): The best teammate ever, if you work for a local district attorney who needs a big score right before Election Day. How he didn’t mention Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo or Jerry Jones’ undetected bathroom strippers to the cops, we’ll never know.
9. COLORADO STATE (8-1): Way to give self-esteem to the teams you beat. Damned decent of you, really.
10. AUBURN (7-1): So close to being AUBURN (6-2).
11. NOTRE DAME (7-1): Thirty-nine to Navy? Hey, patriotism has its logical limits.
12. GEORGIA (6-2): For enraging two fan bases at once – its own, by losing to Florida, 38-20, and Florida’s, for giving its coach Will Muschamp a lifeline to continued employment. One more reason why the SEC is like old soccer violence stories – you can’t make anything up and beat reality.
13. MADISON BUMGARNER’S FACE (Unbeaten in October): For not bothering to hide his disdain with Ed Lee’s rhetorical stylings. It’s a wonder he didn’t crush a couple of brews during the screaming.
14. OHIO STATE (7-1): Beat Illinois. Oh.
15. MARYLAND (6-3): For beating Penn State, although that isn’t the triumph it used to be.
16. MARYLAND (6-3): For taking a 15-yard penalty before the opening kickoff for refusing to shake hands with the Penn State players. Wearing those uniforms, they think they’re intimidating anyone? Besides, it’s Big 10 football, and that alone is reason enough for scorn.
17. UCLA (6-2): The uniforms were universally recognized as baby spew on your uncle’s old gym socks. Well done, especially when you throw in the assistant coach with the eye-black.
18. KANSAS STATE (7-1): Boring as all hell but at least their uniforms didn’t look like the bottom of Commander Riker’s laundry hamper.
19. THE CHICAGO CUBS (0-106): Firing a manager they say they liked to hire Joe Maddon, because he was available and because people keep whispering in their years that they’re about to break through this time.
20. THE BOSTON CELTICS (1-25): That was their three-point shooting night against Houston, a team that dislikes defense the way children dislike kale.
21. NORTHWESTERN (3-5): When the good old days included point-shaving, days like this against Iowa don’t seem so bad. Wait, yes they do.
22. SOUTH FLORIDA (3-6): Took time from its busy day getting its face kicked in by Houston to arrange this for our amusement: http://bit.ly/1qipHqq.
23. RICARDO FERREIRA (0-for-the-next-50): Swiss amateur soccer player who deliberately kicked a ball into a referee’s face after a game and was banned for 50 years. Not days. Not games. Years. Wonder who’s hearing his appeal.
24. SCOTT HANNAN (1,000 Games): Got a surfboard from his teammates, which will be damned hilarious when he gets traded to Winnipeg in two weeks.
25. SMU (0-8): For negotiating a week off.