One week, Rutgers is in the big prime time college game. The next week, it’s Temple. Next week, why not our beloved Finlandia? The Scandinavian Vodkas have now won two straight and three of their last five, and who better to grace our Saturday night viewing schedules?
I shudder to think.
Anyway, on to the carnage of a monumental week in ABC (Always be Covering) football.
1. TOLEDO (7-0, 6-0-1, 2-5): You can’t fail to cover if you don’t play, so well done, Rockets.
2. HOUSTON (8-0, 6-2, 4-3-1): Now that Temple has gone down at the hands of a lightweight, the Coogs are a sure playoff team – although Pat Haden, who just quit the playoff committee, had said that in the wake of whatever the hell happened to USC, he would devote the remainder of his life to Houston’s cause.
3. AFOREMENTIONED LIGHTWEIGHT (7-1, 6-2, 4-4): Didn’t come close to covering against Toledo, and Touchdown Jesus is a very unhappy bettor today.:
4. CLEMSON (8-0, 5-3, 5-3): The showdown with Florida State is this weekend, and I’ll bet at least one student will liquor up and try to take a nap on a burning couch.
5. LSU (7-0, 4-3, 6-1): Largely on the strength of their skills as an over bet, they are positioned well for Armageddon at Tuscaloosa this weekend.
6. ALABAMA (7-1, 3-5, 3-5): Whatever the line is, ‘Bama won’t cover it. On the other hand, whatever the score is, ‘Bama will cover that because an angry Nick Saban is as much fun as vomiting hedgehogs into a bucket.
7. GRANTLAND (1601 good days, one really crappy one): “They’re killin’ me, Whitey, they’re killin’ me!”
8. OKLAHOMA STATE (8-0, 5-3, 4-4): By the slightest edge over . . .
9. TCU (8-0, 4-4, 4-4): . . . which plays Okie State this Saturday in the badlands of Stillwater. Sanctified blood will be spilled this day . . . and then the teams will take the field.
10. AMERICAN PHAROAH (9-1): Finished the Breeder’s Cup by pimp-slapping Bob Baffert and saying, “Now let’s see YOU take a turn with some tiny little bastard with a whip.”
11. BAYLOR (7-0, 4-2, 5-2): Ground is being lost, so covering big against Kansas State is a necessity, especially for a Christian college that understands the value of a divinely inspired bet.
12. STEPHEN CURRY (260-192): Now he’s just cheating.
13. PETE ROSE (only he and the feds really know): Left covering the World Series for Fox to do autograph shows in Las Vegas. This is the consistency of a true great.
14. HALLOWEEN THEMED SPORTS SHOWS (0-infinity): Every time a producer suggests such a thing, he or she should be tied to the front of a locomotive and sent careening into a train with another producer who did the same thing as an example to all the others.
15. STANFORD (7-1, 6-2, 5-3): Barely beating Washington State speaks volumes about Washington State. What people will hear is, “Not a playoff team . . . not a playoff team . . . not a playoff team.”
16. JARRYD HAYNE (2-5): Beware the Curse Of The Eel, 49ers. Just . . . beware.
[RELATED: 49ers waive Jarryd Hayne]
17. JED YORK (60-42-2, 56-52-5, 45-56-1): Started his CEO career with a push, and would currently slaughter an entire Babylonian calf farm to get that now, The decision not to talk until the football season is over is curious, but going out of his way to say he won’t talk is so very perfect.
18. NEW MEXICO STATE (1-7, 3-5, 7-1): The best-kept secret since Alamagordo. Google it, you dopes.
19. SYRACUSE (3-5, 5-3, 7-1): See New Mexico State. If you can bear it.
20. OLD DOMINION (3-5, 0-7-1, 3-4-1): Betting against a team that never covers is just as satisfying as a team that always does. I know. I’ve checked.
21. WASHINGTON (4-4, 5-3, 1-7): And it works for totals, too.
22. VANDERBILT (3-5, 5-3, 0-7-1): See Washington. It’s just like Christmas.
23. MISSOURI (4-4, 2-6, 0-8): Happy Holidays, bitches.
24. JOSE MOURINHO (record irrelevant): I just hope Sky is on the job when his brain explodes and showers the interviewer with chunks what makes The Special One so . . . uhhh, special?
25. IBRAHIM HACIOSMANOGLU (trust me, the record doesn’t matter): The owner of Turkish side Trabzonspor, apparently enraged by the pac-12 officials who worked his team’s 2-2 draw with Gaziantepspor, had the officials locked in the stadium after the match and didn’t release them until the president of the country implored him to do so at 4:30 a.m.
In other words, Mark Cuban has some serious catchup to do.