Chris Borland is such a contemptible quitter that he even made three-quarters of his signing bonus quit with him. He is returning $463,077 to the 49ers, who presumably will turn it over to a charity in an attempt to win some of the P.R. it blew in its Season Of Hilarious Discontent.
Either that, or they will keep the whole wad and throw a gigantic picnic for the front office. Cash bar, of course.
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Wisconsin guard Nigel Hayes is bringing Big Dictionary to the second weekend. After winning over the nation by helping to glorify the press conference stenographers in the first two games, he and the Badgers head for Los Angeles and a Round of 16 match with North Carolina.
Hayes’ problem: he has already used cattywampus, onomatopoeia, antidisestablishmentarianism, soliloquy, quandary, zephyr, xylophone, expeditious, impeccable and sesquipedalian. If he’s a real student-athlete and not just playing one on television, he has to bring the A-game, to wit:
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (an obscure term ostensibly referring to a lung disease caused by silica dust, one of the longest words in the English language).
Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism (an inherited disorder that closely simulates the symptoms but not the consequences of hypoparathyroidism).
Ultracrepidarian (pertaining to a person who criticizes, judges, or gives advice outside the area of his or her expertise).
And the hardest four-letter word to guess in Hangman – hajj. Unless it’s jazz. I mean, in case you’re stuck in a bar trivia night and can’t get out.
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Kansas governor Sam Brownback was properly and roundly booed for wearing a hybrid Kansas-Wichita State shirt to Sunday’s game, which the Shockers won easily. It takes a special man to make a red state blue just because he preferred to be gray by appealing to everybody and therefore nobody. Hell, he’d have been better off wearing a Missouri shirt, and they didn’t even make the tournament.
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And if you’re looking for a good teammate, seek no further than Virginia’s Darion Atkins, who celebrated his team’s Round of 32 loss to Michigan State by thanking his teammates and the officials for essentially nothing. From Martin Rickman of Uproxx.com Sports.
“Q: How bad a call was that fourth foul on you?
“A: That was a terrible call. I don’t know why he called that. It is what it is. You just have to play through stuff like that.”
“Q: You played so well in the first half. Did you feel like you were alone out there at times?”
“A: To be honest, yeah, I felt like I wanted it more than a few other guys on the team. I felt like I tried to rally everyone together and bring everyone together in the second half than the first half. It was just a little bit too late to get things going.”
“Q: About 16 and a half minutes left, (Branden) Dawson scores after Michigan State gets two offensive rebounds. (Assistant coach) Jason Williford jumped off the bench and stuck his finger in (Mike) Tobey's chest and started yelling at you guys. Was that a particularly heated timeout for you guys?”
“A: Yeah, that was. That was a gut check and heat check. I felt like we were just playing like some p------ to be honest. I mean, I don't know.”
Sounds like he does know. Or at least he is pretty sure he does.
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Speaking of quality mates, Steven Gerrard is already well on his way to MLS after his strong performance for Liverpool against Manchester United Sunday.
In game both teams needed in their hopes of getting to next year’s financial windfall that is the Champions League, Gerrard, an icon at Anfield, didn’t come until the start of the second half, and wasted little time in making an impact -– on Ander Herrera’s ankle. Gerrard was red carded, ending his afternoon in 32 seconds. Liverpool went on to lose, 2-1, and Gerrard was elected Man Of The Match by TheRedMistOvertakesUsAll.com.
And people make fun of Mario Balotelli.
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In other soccer news, Barcelona beat Real Madrid in the latest El Clasico, 2-1, and BeIN Sports’ Ray Hudson cemented his place as The Person Most Likely To Do Your Eulogy If You’ve Lived An Exemplary Life.
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When you think the Sharks can descend no further, calm yourself. At least they haven’t lost the country. Not that they ever had it, but still . . .
That honor remains in the hands of the Toronto Maple Leafs, whose season has been so wretched that (a) they lost to the Sharks twice, and (b) they got kicked off Hockey Night In Canada for the first time in 43 years.
Hockey Night In Canada, for you rubes, is the Monday Night Football of hockey, only bigger. The Leafs have been the marquee game on HNIC every week since, well, 1972, but were bumped Saturday night for, yes, you guessed it, San Jose at Montreal. Courtesy Rob Longley of the Toronto Sun, the Leafs were picked up by their parent company, Rogers Sportsnet, where they got their brains kicked in again, 5-3, to Ottawa.
San Jose? Shut out in Montreal, so there’s that for you agony aunts.
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The San Jose Earthquakes opened their new real estate deal Sunday, and in doing so unveiled the largest outdoor bar in captivity. At some point in the very distant future, that will be considered a very bad idea when the fans become irate over an official’s decision and start showering the field with half-empty bottles of Glenmorangie and Drambuie, but for now, bottoms up, children.
And tip the bartenders. They’re the ones who have to deal with your slack-jawed faces and drooly half-mumbled orders with the sun in their eyes. Fun all the way around.
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And finally, are there “Definitely, definitely. We gonna be championship” T-shirts, hoodies and other shmata for sale at Warriors stores yet? If not, the only excuse we will accept from the team is “Because We Don’t Want To Pay Royalties To Leandro Barbosa.”