I actually approve of the 49ers’ stadium grass dying at a moment’s notice, and all right-thinking conservationists should as well. There’s no water here, remember – the last bit of Lake Shasta went to some rich weasel’s last diluted tumbler of Glenfiddich at the Rich Eisen Monument of Honor and Casual Drinking in Redding.
In other words, the grass at the stadium should be brown and coming up in sheets, especially when mesomorphs are tromping all over it.
But if you think the grounds are browner than Jim Harbaugh’s work-around-the-garage-pants now, wait until that lardfooted monstrosity Taylor Swift starts dancing to whatever it is she sings. Trent Baalke will rip off his eyelids in rage.
Which, now that we think of it . . .
[RELATED: 49ers move practice Monday outside Levi's]
X X X
The argument about whether Ronda Rousey is the greatest MMAven of all time got tedious almost immediately, and by the time Brian Wilson was caught on TMZ saying she would kick his butt, it had become its own tail-chase.
But if you’re wondering what she’s going to do now that she’s cleaned out the sport and before she starts compiling an imDb catalog to rival Rowdy Roddy Piper’s, maybe she can be hired by private citizens to punch people who have it coming in the face for money.
I have a considerable list myself, and NBComcast has promised to cover the massive overruns from not bidding on the on the 653rd playing of the World Oil-Wrestling Tournament in Edirne, Turkey.
Which, given that it’s Turkey and it’s many oily men, is a lot less appealing than it seems.
X X X
Richard Pate of Scarborough, ME, would hire Rousey to punch NFL Commissioner/hall monitor Roger Goodell, and while that seems mean-spirited, well, so?
According to Dennis Hoey of the Portland Press Herald, Pate hired a plane with a streamer that read, “COMM GOODELL . . . JET BACK TO N.Y.”
“There was absolutely no vindictiveness whatsoever with my banner,” Pate lied. “But the commissioner has been anything but impartial. He has put the Patriots at a competitive disadvantage with his ruling. I wanted to send him a subliminal message. Get back to work, get this issue resolved. You’re not going to get anything done by vacationing at Prouts Neck. Get back to New York City.’”
One, it wasn’t subtle. Two, it was spectacularly vindictive. Three, he probably blew all his Rousey money on the plane.
X X X
Dez Bryant’s megaovercovered training camp fight with Tyler Patmon pleased one man more than all others.
“That’s good stuff,” owner/ubergasbag Jerry Jones told Jon Machota of the Dallas Morning News. “That’s training camp. Now that’s not new. That’s been happening at our training camps for years and years and years. It is a throwback to the years when you saw Michael Irvin out here, Deion (Sanders) and those guys.”
And neither one of them could beat Ronda Rousey.
X X X
Then there’s this four-month-old tale of Harbaugh once again playing Time-Capsule Man from Jonathan Clegg and Ben Cohen of the Wall Street Journal.
“He really hit it off with Justice Clarence Thomas. Harbaugh says he tried to sell Thomas, a noted Nebraska football fan who drives his RV to Huskers games, on adopting Michigan as his second-favorite team. ‘I got the feeling it would be a distant second,’ Harbaugh said.
“Thomas’s chambers did not respond to requests for comment. Harbaugh, however, was smitten with the Supreme Court’s quietest justice.
“’I’ve been around some enthusiastic people,’ Harbaugh said of Thomas. ‘He’s one of the most enthusiastic people I’ve ever met. It was a great thrill.’”
Yeah, he’s big on Bob Devaney . . . er, Tom Osborne . . . no, wait, Frank Solich . . . oops, sorry, Bill Callahan . . . correction, Bo Pelini.
Oh, who are we kidding? It’s Jumbo Stiehm, whose last year was 1915. Thomas isn’t one for those newfangled football coach thingies.
X X X
A St. Louis Circuit Court judge essentially defanged a local ordinance that required public votes for public money laid out for things like a new stadium for the Rams – claiming that the ordinance was too vague and ambiguous to be enforced. In other words, $400 million of citizens money will go to a new stadium to keep the Rams in Missouri.
Frankly, though, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon would have been just as wise siphoning off some of that to help Mark Davis fund his Great Carson Escape. I mean, the NFL wouldn’t want three teams in Los Angeles, would it? Wonder if Pate can rent a dirigible to send a message.
X X X
And finally, Belgrano (Argentine) goalkeeper Juan Olave was nearly hit with a flying cheeseburger thrown by Racing fans during the two teams’ weekend match, so he did what anyone would do when confronted by a flying cookout. He picked it up, took two bites, and thanked the crowd with the traditional Argentinian greeting, “Hey, where are the fries, you miserable human vomit-smears?”