Jon Gruden explaining how the forest-tree relationship works: “There may be some disagreement on how the roster was put together, but the bottom line is, the Colts need a first down in the worst way.”
Jon Gruden is the guy you want in charge of inventory at your office supply store. But he still scares the hell out of me.
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With Indianapolis’ scandalously lame defeat Monday night, the gambling world lost a little more of its wonderment. Through two weeks, the spread has actually impacted only two of the 32 games, which means all you need to do to win your bet is pick the winner.
The two games? The New York Giants covering in defeat in Dallas in Week One, and New England and Pittsburgh pushing in the season opener.
In other gambling news, the books did well because – yes, you guessed it – the bettors thought they saw trends after Week One that were utter lies. At least for one week, anyway.
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And in a side note, the New York Jets, with a quarterback who looks like Hamish, William Wallace’s sidekick in Braveheart, are 2-0. Which reminds me that Roger Goodell played Longshanks, the evil English king, in the movie – and in real life as well.
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Chicago Bears coach John Fox said quarterback Jay Cutler’s hamstring strain was “not really severe,” but apparently severe enough to keep him off the field for at least a few weeks, robbing fans across the nation of the player they most hate because . . . well, he is just so Cutler.
Weirdly, the Bears are one of the many teams who have only two quarterbacks on their roster, which means they have to chase to get a backup for Jimmy Claussen, and it confirms the Wall Street Journal story that colleges have essentially all but stopped producing NFL-ready quarterbacks. What have you to say about this, Longshanks?
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Rex Ryan sniveled about the reputation his Buffalo team is developing as a cheery rule-breaker, snarking a day after his team lost, 40-32, to New England, “They outplayed us, they outcoached us, they outdid whatever. But there's different ways of chatting and of all that type of stuff, too. Let's face it: New England is not exactly the Boy Scouts of America. All right? So you can say what you want, but the tape doesn't lie either.”
In other words, the Bills were penalized 14 times for 140 yards (the equivalent of 10 holding penalties, or 51 yards more than running back LeSean McCoy gained on the ground). That was a week after they got dunned 11 times for 113 yards, making them the new Raiders, and Ryan, typically a coach whose teams didn’t get penalized, the new John Madden.
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A week ago, Ndamukong Suh was a hero to his Miami Dolphins teammates for buying them meeting room recliners. Now, they are angry that he freelances on nearly every play, doesn’t get near the other team’s quarterback, hasn’t kicked an opponent’s helmet off in eight days, and doesn’t really regard assignments as anything more than suggestions. The Dolphins won in Week 1, and lost in Week 2.
I hate football.
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Now a bit of baseball, and everyone’s favorite former Giant, Pablo Sandoval, who allegedly exhausted himself running from third to home Sunday. He also left a game earlier in the year, claiming dehydration after trying to score from first on a double, and Whig party boss Sean McAdam of CSN New England has written this about Sandoval’s aversion to conditioning.
It is important to note here that his replacement in San Francisco, Matt Duffy, actually weighs no pounds at all, being a spinal cord with shoes who hits .301 and is among the best fielding third basemen in the game (actually second to Colorado’s Nolan Arenado, according to SABR).
The lesson Brian Sabean learned? If your guy has to tie a rope around his waist to take a shower to avoid getting sucked down the drain, he’s a better bet than someone shaped like Uruguay who wants $100 million.
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And finally, a food-related note:
Scottish second-level side Livingston has changed its name from the charming Almondvale to the decidedly not Braidwood Motor Company Stadium to . . . and they shall burn in some manufactured hell for this one
. . . Tony Macaroni Arena. Apparently Tony Macaroni is a Scottish chain of Italian-themed restaurants, which sounds to our ears to be utterly appalling.
Unless there actually is a Tony Macaroni, and unless he is a lawyer, or a hypervigilant litigant. In which case, Bone Appetito, Pie-swan.