Nothing beats Week 1 of the NFL season for revisionist history, with the best example being Marcus Mariota, the Tennessee quarterback who was condemned all off-season for not having discernible flaws or being quite Jameis Winston enough and then threw the quarterback’s version of a perfect (158.3 quarterback rating) game against Tampa Bay –- which isn’t a perfect game at all, since he did throw three incompletions and lost three yards on one rush.
But as we have come to realize in the new fantasy-leagues-are-better-than-real-ones-because-we-like-the-owners-general-managers-and-coaches-way-more world in which we live, teams don’t play to win. They play to meet expectations, and to be mercilessly slagged when they don’t. Mariota beat expectations, so he’s God Of The Week. Next week, it’ll be his turn to suck.
But yay football anyway because, well, screw it.
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The Oakland Raiders kicked off what might be their last season in the Nickel-Dime by unveiling a preposterous pregame traffic jam that rendered the stadium a near-mirage.
But then they fixed that problem by reminding everyone that you can leave any time after the half and not miss a thing.
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The new extra point rule (three misses Sunday, so hurray failure!) has won with great applause because it means one more thing you have to pay attention to because football doesn’t give you enough vicarious collisions and mayhem as it is. Well, fine, change and all that, but here’s hoping that one of those vitally entertaining PATs causes you to miss a vital bathroom break and ruin the leather couch, if you know what we mean and we think you do, you contemptible incontinent man-pigs.
Hey, it’s Week 1. It gets way worse the longer this lasts.
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Megan Ann Wilson of The Guardian decided to give several NFL coaches fashion makeovers, but stopped with easy targets like Bill Belichick, Andy Reid, Mike Tomlin, Rex Ryan and Pete Carroll. No Jack Del Rio, no Jim Tomsula, so sorry local I’ll-take-any-information-with-my-team’s-name-on-it meat puppets.
But she could have at least extended her remarks to include the new coaches’ shirts from Nike (at least I’m pretty sure it’s Nike, but I don’t care enough to check) that have a stripe down the spine that makes the shirt look like it’s a high-backed cocktail dress with a badly made zipper. Just ‘cause it’s new don’t make it good, kids.
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It seems that Adam Jones was not ejected from Sunday’s Bengals-Raiders despite trying to ram Amari Cooper’s head into a helmet because referee Earl Hebner was being distracted at ringside by manager Jimmy Hart. If the reference escapes you, YouTube really old WWF stuff. If you’re too lazy to do that, you’re probably on life support and should save your clicks for something more important.
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Fox’s Jay Glazer said Sunday that former Pennsylvania senator Arlen Spector threatened to jail him if he didn’t turn over the Spygate video he claims he still has that Roger Goodell allegedly had destroyed. He clearly didn’t go to jail, so there’s that.
On the other hand, he probably would have done it for Donald Trump. Hell, I’d have done it for a unicycle and a case of Tractor Shed Red. And you know why? Because the NFL’s in the process of becoming a clown act in which everyone involved with it should be forced to get drunk and take the one-wheeler out for a spin on a busy street every day –- just to take the edge off.
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You don’t care about Iowa-Iowa State, nor frankly should you – except for this: The kids over at Every Day Should Be Saturday – Spencer Hall and Ryan Nanni, the Sacco and Vanzetti of typing – have given this rivalry the perfect name based on actual data.
It is the second-lowest-scoring rivalry in college football in the last 15 years and second lowest in the last 38, so stealing from the Real Madrid-Barcelona religious war known as El Clasico, the gentle anarchists have decided it must be . . . wait for it . . .
El Assico! Even though Saturday’s game ended up 31-17, pushing the over, El Assico!
Everyone else, stop thinking now. It’s been done for you.
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And finally, Moses Malone is the latest of a number of former NBA stars to die unreasonably early this year. This should stop. Just a thought in case someone or something is actually in charge of this sort of thing.