Today, we discuss quarterbacks. Well, we don’t discuss them, actually, because when we discuss them, we develop brain damage.
For instance, Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning after Sunday’s game. This is a barroom argument, nothing more, the kind of dull, lazy thinking that comes from the notion that all football is quarterbacks. Tom Brady has never played Peyton Manning on a single down. Their legacies do not get written until after they have retired. When you try and make a case one way or another, you reveal yourself to be a gold-plated idiot, too tedious to endure, and unfit for human company. All your friends hate you, and will shun you in important moments in their lives.
What we learned Sunday is that New England is playing close to its peak, and that Uncle Tedious, Bill Belichick, may have reinvented the Patriots yet again. They are better at taking the ball away, and they are better at tight end, and yes, their quarterback is good, but he is better than other team’s defenses because that’s what matters, not whether he’s better than the other team’s quarterback.
Then again, it’s Week 9, and they could suck in three more weeks. That’s not the way to bet, mind you, but that’s what we know.
And why does this quarterback-on-quarterback rhetorical crime happen anyway? Because television producers, the Great Satan of post-modern America, think that’s what we talk about. Maybe if we jailed a few of the unimaginative jackals, the message would get through – football is more than quarterbacks.
Until then, all we can do is walk away and pick better friends.
[MAIOCCO: Kaepernick: 'I know I crossed the line']
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On a related subject, Colin Kaepernick better up his game soon, or his next coach may have a different view of him than his current one does.
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On a related subject, nobody outside Washington gives that much of a damn about Robert Griffin III and how he does or does not get along with his teammates. He plays for Washington, and that means one thing – no way to be saved. Tom Brady cannot win in that organizational environment, Peyton Manning cannot win in that organizational environment - nobody can win in that organizational environment.
But no, I forgot. It’s about the quarterback.
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A new and long-awaited web site, firejohnidzik.com, has raised $10,000 to buy a billboard in the vicinity of MetLife Stadium where the New Your Jets and their general manager do their weekly ineffective work. “We realize that this billboard will not, in itself, get John Idzik fired,” the website founders said in a press release. “However, it is a symbol that fed up Jets fans are now organized and our collective voices will be heard.”
Anybody can be heard, of course. What they want to be is heeded, and they won’t be, but other people who want to hear them will hear them, for all the good that will do. These are the Jets, after all.
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The San Francisco 49ers are now 30-1 to win the Super Bowl. They were 8-1. In other words, people in Las Vegas have been paying attention to them, too, with the predictable result.
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Elliotte Friedman, the head of Hockey Night In Canada’s Nerd Department, did a little research a year ago, the sneaky bastard, and discovered that since the 2005 lockout, only three teams that had been four points or more out of a playoff spot on November 1 had managed to make the postseason. November 1! Two more joined the club last year, but the disturbing truth is this: No matter how you award points, a slow start means a coach gets fired. Sports are the best.
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And then there’s Don Cherry, who did an entire Coach’s Corner without once mentioning his sport, and still somehow nailed it. Hey, stranger things have happened. Just not very often.
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And finally, Tom Magliozzi, the funnier half of the old NPR programming staple Car Talk, has left us. I think I’m a lot less likely to listen to or watch car-based shows from here on out, but that was probably the way I was heading since he and his brother retired anyway.
But hasn’t 2014 sucked for funny people in general?