If you really are outraged by the Seattle Seahawks’ refusal to sell tickets to people living in California, two things:
• If you can’t get around their fail-safes in less than an hour, you don’t want to go anyway.
• What part of “getting beer poured on you, your kids sworn at and getting punched by some drunk” is evading you? It’s an NFL game played in America; those are the rules, Jules.
In other words, stay home. Watch the game. If it goes well, you’ll be just as happy, and you won’t have to go the airport. If it doesn’t, you’ll be in a crap mood anyway, and you’ll still be at the airport.
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Alex Rodriguez’ decision not to cop a plea last year and take a 50-game suspension is being hailed as yet one more spectacular blunder by the man who copyrighted narcissism, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that he’s getting the works because George Steinbrenner gave him one last preposterous contract that his kids don’t want to pay.
In other words, if you’ve wasted any time rooting for either side in this one, you’ve done just that – wasted time.
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Andrew Luck has shaved his beard. Apparently losing in New England cost him that chance to be grand marshal of the Lancaster (PA) County Amish Impersonator Of The Year parade.
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Memphis basketball coach Josh Pastner is a genius, or at least he is positioning himself to be one. According to the Delaware County Times, he may have some video of Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game in Hershey, PA, which if nothing means he could be fired 50 times and still end up in the black.
“My father was a ball boy for the Sixers (Warriors) for many, many years, “and he and Wilt Chamberlain were very close,” Pastner told Dennis Deitch. “Wilt always felt someone was trying to get him by poisoning his drinks, and he always drank 7-Up or Sprite. So he made my dad taste (his drink) before he would take it and make sure my dad didn’t conk out.
“My father and his father (Sid) taped the game on reel-to-reel in the second quarter when it was in Hershey, the 100-point game (in 1962), because they thought it would be a special night, and they gave it to Wilt, the 100-point game, and Wilt gave it back to my dad’s dad. He boxed it up, and he has all sorts of boxes. He doesn’t know if he has lost it, but he’s trying to find the sucker.”
The 7-Up story is definitely true (he would plow down a 16-ouncer at nearly every time out), so maybe Pastner is on to something – in which case he has job security that even Lute Olson would have envied.
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When even lawyers cannot save you, or even should bother: Aimee Green of The Oregonian shares with us the story of Sirgiorgio Clardy, who is suing Nike for $100 million because he claims the shoe manufacturer is partially responsible for a brutal beating that helped net him a 100-year prison sentence. Clardy claims Nike should have placed a label in his Jordan shoes warning consumers that they could be used as a dangerous weapon. He was wearing a pair when he repeatedly stomped the face of a john who was trying to leave a Portland hotel without paying Clardy's prostitute in June 2012.
It is stories like this that remind us of Richard Pryor’s line about performing at the Arizona State Penitentiary: “Thank God we’ve got penitentiaries.”
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And finally, the new Colin Kaepernick issue (a sportswriter in upstate New York doesn’t like the way he wears his hat) is like all the old ones – proof that Kaepernick doesn’t get fashion. If he wore a fez, a yarmulke, a beanycopter or a derby, he wouldn’t have these problems. On the other hand, if he wore a burnoose or a French legionnaire’s hat, he’d run into things, and if he wore a Prussian soldier’s helmet, he’d poke holes in bystanders.
Once again, we remind you. Fashion is fascism.