Riley Curry’s star turn Tuesday night was a tour de force, solely because it was neither scripted nor rehearsed. You cannot fake the crippling boredom of an understimulated two-year-old.
But now that she’s broken out as a solo artist, what next for the next scion of the Curry Family Dynasty? You don’t want her peaking at two, after all, and she is already figuring out how to monetize those paragraphs and images she is currently giving away for free. Ideas follow:
RILEY RIPPING OFFICIALS: Her dad makes pained faces when he doesn’t get superstar treatment, but she can, armed by the bulletproofing of youth, can go all out: “JOEY CRAWFORD, YOU LOOK LIKE A TURTLE AND YOU SUCK BAD LOLLIPOPS!” “Daddy thinks Ken Mauer is a meanie.” “Mommy and Grampa told me Bill Spooner hates Santa Claus.” And you can’t fine or suspend her. She has no money of her own, and she has nothing to be suspended from. Perfect.
RILEY TALKING CHEATING: "Daddy, what's wrong with flopping? I fall down all the time."
RILEY TALKING CONTRACT: “Mister Uncle Joe Lacob, if you don’t pay Daddy the right number of money, he says I can’t go to college. What’s college again? Oh, it’s like Disneyland? I WANNA GO TO COLLEGE!”
RILEY WORKING WITH MICHELE ROBERTS ON UNION PRESSERS: “If the mean men who own the basketball don’t give us what we want, Daddy can’t go to work, and he’s always home in a bad mood or he’s going in the airplane to meetings and making me sad. I don’t want to be sad.”
RILEY MAKING BASKETBALL DECISIONS: “I like Mister Uncle Steve Kerr, but can Daniel Tiger be Daddy’s coach now? And Mister Uncle Jerry West had a turn, now it’s Dora The Explorer’s Turn.”
RILEY CALLING PLAYS: “GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL! GIVE DADDY THE BALL!”
RILEY ON ARENA MANAGEMENT: “I understand you have environmental and access/egress concerns, and I am equally mindful of the issues surrounding the UCSF hospital expansion, but I believe your issues can easily be met by the green belt that adjoins the bay side of the building on the other side of Terry Francois Boulevard, and we are working tirelessly with the traffic experts to make the Central Subway an acceptable transportation option as well as working on the roads surrounding the arena, especially Third Street, to minimize congestion. I gotta go tinkle now.”
RILEY ON MEDIA: “Daddy, I know he doesn’t like jump-shooter people, but Mister Uncle Shaquille O’Neal was funny when he fell down on the TV.”
RILEY ON OTHER MEDIA: “Come on, Daddy, let’s go do the podium thing. It’s a branding opportunity . . . oops, wait. I gotta go tinkle first. Wait for me.”
RILEY ON HER BURGEONING SUPERSTARDOM: “I’m gonna be free years old.”
And until a newer, younger kid comes up, it’s her world, and we’re just stealing the reflected light.