These are things that have not yet been covered in the aftermath of the Golden State Warriors’ rebuild of their ramshackle history, things that you need to know now before the hype to which we shall all contribute sickens you.
ONE, THE WARRIORS DIDN’T PLAY VERY WELL IN GAME FIVE: Started slowly, again. Tried to pull away in the middle bits and couldn’t. Shot 23 percent in the first quarter. Gave in to some Haq-a-Shaq-Taqtiqs. Why, if it wasn’t for Harrison Barnes and Festus Ezeli of The Afterthought Brigade, we might all be calf-deep in Houston flood water today.
TWO, ANDRE IGUODALA, WHO DOESN’T NEED THE PRAISE, EARNED IT ANYWAY: James Harden’s psychotic series, in which he averaged 28 points on 18 shots per game (very efficient), but went from 11-for-20 to 13-for-21 to 3-for-16 to 13-for-22 to 2-for-11, and Iguodala was superb in his role as a defender in games 3 and 5. He will make faces at the recognition of this, but he will matter greatly in the Finals. Forget that at your peril.
THREE, RILEY CURRY DID NOT TELL HER FAMILY SHE DIDN’T WANT TO GO TO THE PODIUM AGAIN: Despite reports from TMZ, Deadspin and BBC, what she actually said was, “Pardon me, but Daddy was 7-for-21. We need to start considering my brand here.” She originally wanted to sit on Barnes’ lap at the dais, but agreed reluctantly to stay within the traditional family unit. She may not be so forgiving on the bigger stage.
FOUR, THE WARRIORS ARE QUIETLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE T-SHIRT GAP: For the first time in this postseason, they will be playing in a larger road arena, which means they will be out-T-shirted by 966 chairs per game. The Warriors do have greater depth, as they have four home games’ worth of reserve from the games they didn’t play against New Orleans, Memphis or Houston, so they’re covered for the 78,384 shirts they may still need. Of course, since they all are the same color (tooth decay yellow) and say the same thing (Patronize Our Sponsors, You Freeloading Bastards), it makes no actual difference.
FIVE, WHICH IS ROUGHLY RELATED TO FOUR: HERE’S HOPING CLEVELAND HAS A MORE GENTLE VIEW TOWARD CLOTHING: If the Cavs are giving away shirts (and of course they are), and if they are fond of nagging fans who don’t put their shirts on immediately, they will be deservedly hated by all right-thinking humans. Your respect should be reserved for any fan who looks at the scoreboard video when being mocked and returns a middle finger. Fight The Power! Rage Against The Machine! Up Freedom! Down Marketing!
SIX, WHICH IS ALSO RELATED TO FOUR AND FIVE: YOU ARE BEING HELD TO A NEW STANDARD AS FANS NOW, SO SHAPE UP: Stop worrying about what announcer said what about whom. This is a series in which LeBron James will be mentioned more than anyone else, so get used to it and for God’s sake, stop bitching.
SEVEN, WHAT WE ALL DON’T KNOW ABOUT CONCUSSIONS COULD FELL A PLANET: The Warriors guessed right on Curry in Game 4 after he landed on his brainbucket, and guessed wrong-ish on Klay Thompson in Game 5, though they do get partial credit for not actually playing him after he was cleared to do so. Their medical staff and general manager Bob (I Apparently Play A Doctor On TV) Myers will be under greater scrutiny by people who aren’t really qualified to scrutinize, but questions must always be asked. Currently the Warriors’ skull care metric of 1.5 for 2, or .750 is slightly lower than the Cavs, who have been trying to guess on Kyrie Irving’s knee since the start of the Atlanta series, but it is better than the NFL, boxing, hockey, baseball, curling postgame shows, most staff meetings and company Christmas parties.
EIGHT, JOE LACOB AND DAN GILBERT ARE GOING TO BECOME MUCH MORE VISIBLE, STARTING NOW: Oh, crap.
NINE, BOTH OAKLAND AND CLEVELAND HAVE GONE MANY YEARS WITHOUT A CHAMPIONSHIP: So what. The winner will have three days of joy before the grind of day-to-day living returns, and Oakland has the added burden of preparing to be NFL-less soon, which Cleveland fans should at least show some sympathy for if they have any dignity at all. Which they probably don’t.
TEN, THE WARRIORS ARE MINUS-240 TO WIN, AND THE CAVS ARE PLUS-190: Swell, but the Warriors are 6-8 against the line and, worse yet for an offensive juggernaut, and 3-10-1 against the total. Cleveland is 8-6 and 6-8. Most notably, each team has helped get a coach fired – Monty Williams in New Orleans and Tom Thibodeau in Chicago. Well done, you grim reapers.
AND FINALLY, ELEVEN, THE LONG DELAY BEFORE GAME ONE: Unless the teams are being starved between now and June 4, there will be no effect on the games. It’s just more idiocy we talk about while we wait for Riley Curry to start doing ads for Chrysler.