We waited two weeks to make sense of the college football season, and other than Florida coach Jim McIlwain losing his mind and Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh expressing his, we’re not much wiser than a week ago. So here are CSNBayArea’s first Top 25, in no particular order, value or even category.
1. TEMPLE (2-0): Wins and covers over mediocre Penn State and Cincinnati teams mean nothing. It’s Temple, for God’s sake. We Are The Owl.
2. MICHIGAN STATE (2-0): While most folks were raving about Sparty’s willingness to go with a tough opponent in Game 2 (Oregon), this vote, which violates our distaste for teams that win but don’t cover, the Spartans get this vote because they caused coach Mark D’Antonio’s faceplate to bend into a slight smirk. Votes for that alone.
3. BOSTON COLLEGE (2-0): First team to 100, mostly because the Eagles were the first team to contrive a mercy rule this year, agreeing with Howard to cut the second half by 10 minutes after taking a seemingly insurmountable 76-0 lead. Points of for failing to cover against Maine the week before.
4. CRISTIANO RONALDO (5): Yelled at for just being so persistently and annoyingly Ronaldo, the previously goalless Real Madrid preen factory scored five times against Espanyol in a 6-0 win. Covered the smug, as always.
5. ILLINOIS (2-0): Two weeks after firing tyrannical yet losing coach Tim Beckham, the usually Compliant Illini have beaten the ultramodest Kent State and Western Illinois for new coach Bill Cubit. Sure it may not seem like much to you, but puppy love doesn’t matter much either unless you’re one of the puppies.
6. BYU (2-0): Two hail mary passes for game-winning touchdowns aside, the Cougars also broke the seal on groin shots caught on camera.
7. SAN ANTONIO HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL: Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! OFFICIALS SEASON!
8. MADISON BUMGARNER (18-6): Almost pitched a perfect game against the San Diego Padres. Yeah, like that’s a big deal – the Amish-hitting Pads are 0-9 in no-hit games, and the last three times they’ve been done by San Francisco.
9. OHIO STATE (2-0): Shut out the mighty Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, wearing their classic Rainbow Warrior uniforms of yore. Also managed inadvertently to gin up a false quarterback controversy to amuse the natives before their season opener November 21 against Michigan State.
10. DAVID SHAW (1-1): Scored four entire touchdowns against Central Florida to wipe some of the shame from the Northwestern opener. Also punted from the Central Florida 33 at one point to enrage the citizens. Face it, kids, he yam what he yam and that’s all what he yam.
11. TOLEDO (1-0): Made Arkansas’ Bret Bielema look like he wanted to destroy all of Little Rock with his heat vision.
12. KENTUCKY (2-0): Did the same to South Carolina’s Steve Spurrier, though why The Ol’ Ball Coach would want to destroy Little Rock escapes us.
13. TENNESSEE (1-1): Gave the customers one more reason to miss Philip Fulmer by blowing a 17-0 lead at home to Oklahoma, and then enjoyed head coach Butch Jones (who looks like a Butch Jones) got into Oklahoma’s Eric Striker after the game for enjoying the win a bit too stridently.
14. FLAVIA PENNETTA (1-0, TAKES A HIKE): Won the most delightful and least fearsome U.S. Open Women’s Final ever, then announced her retirement because, what the hell, she’s 32 and you’re not the boss of her. Got a problem with that? Here’s a middle finger for you to ponder on awhile.
15. NOTRE DAME (2-0): Trades an unbeaten season for starting quarterback Malik Zaire.
16. THE PACIFIC 12 CONFERENCE (17-7): Still winless against DirecTV, and Larry Scott is on the hot seat. Rumors for a replacement include Jim Harbaugh. And speaking of which . . .
17. JIM HARBAUGH’S PLAY CARD (0-1): Day to day after being dismissed from the Michigan coach’s hand against Oregon State.
18. HOWARD (0-2): Still looking for the elusive first point of the season. The only other 0-2 team to not score yet is Division III Finlandia, which just began its program and whose recruiting has not yet reaped the benefits of being named after a brand of vodka.
19. THE SEC (21-6): Ain’t gettin’ 10 teams in the Top 25 this week, are you? No. You’ll probably get 12, including Vanderbilt, which hasn’t even won yet.
20. VANDERBILT (0-2): See? No, actually this is for the kid who held up the sign during the SEC’s lift of College GameDay that read, “You People Are Blocking The Library.” He probably got hit with an encyclopedia.
21. CAL (2-0): 21 points allowed in two games? Not even against Howard and Finlandia did we see that coming.
22. BILL BELICHICK’S POSTGAME OUTFIT: Never mind the flip flops. What’s with the Richard Nixon walking shorts?
23. THE OAKLAND A’S RUN DIFFERENTIAL (Minus-3): Still hanging close to the green numbers even after 142 games. Pressure mounts on Bob Melvin.
24. MISSISSIPPI (2-0): Averaging 74.5 points per game, because it’s Week Two and shut up.
25. CUAUHTEMOC BLANCO (1-0): The former Mexican star had to produce a document showing his qualifications to run for mayor of Cuernavaca, so he lifted paragraphs about his soccer career from his Wikipedia page rather than any academic or political experience. He won going away. And Urban Meyer is now Governor of Ohio.