College football stinks, because if it isn’t about Jameis Winston, Public Enemy No. 1, it’s about him being Public Enemy No. 2, and people arguing about who ranks ahead of him, and how much they hate Notre Dame but rooted for the Irish because they were playing against Jameis Winston and still didn’t get what they wanted.
In other words: Worst season ever, no question about it.
1. MISSISSIPPI: Now the people who care about this stuff say Mississippi State’s schedule has been revealed as soft. They’ll do anything to avoid what happens if . . .
2. MISSISSIPPI STATE: . . . they somehow end up in the title game, and the entire sport gets sucked down the wormhole that opens up just south of Yazoo City – with Morgan Freeman laughing his head off the entire time.
3. FLORIDA STATE: Distraction, schmischtraction. Football is too important to be left to citizenship, or non-hypocrites.
4. DUKE: Because this is the best playoff scenario ever.
5. ALABAMA: I don’t know. They beat the hell out of Texas A&M, and Nick Saban looks as happy as a kid locked out of a toy store. This really is the least fun season ever.
6. KANSAS STATE: Because Bill Snyder looks like he would go to Europe only to demand ID from Stonehenge.
7. OHIO STATE: For killing Rutgers’ dream, whatever that was, while still being essentially repellent entertainment itself.
8. OREGON: Gee, and people thought Washington was ready for this after all this time.
9. NOTRE DAME: Now you can go back to hating them. See, you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes . . .
10. MICHIGAN STATE: This is why people get nostalgic for the BCS, and the AP Poll, and the days when the Ivy League winner used to be de facto national champion every year.
11. HARVARD: For the bygone days.
12. ARIZONA STATE: Now that their fans have figured out that black shirts are plenty sufficient to make a point, they have a chance to do some things. Like make us figure out what makes them different from . . .
13. ARIZONA: They did nothing so we got nothing.
14. GEORGIA: And they still want Mark Richt fired.
15. TCU: And they still want T. Boone Pickens fired.
16. UTAH: Because why the hell not?
17. COLORADO STATE: because why the hell not, twice?
18. MINNESOTA: Still has to play Iowa, Ohio State, Nebraska and Wisconsin. Look fast, kids.
19. TRAVIS ISHIKAWA: Playing with the casino’s money, which is actually better than all other human sensations, and yes, including that one.
20. LENDALE WHITE: Kicked out of USC’s game by athletic director Pat Haden, and then demanded that the school fire “his punk ass.” Would rank hire, but let’s face it, it’s LenDale White.
21. PERCY HARVIN: Now officially the new worst person in the NFL, because the NFL hasn’t lost its ability to leak damaging information about players the moment after a trade while never forgetting to lie relentlessly for them while they’re on the payroll.
22. FLORIDA: Lost 42-13 to a Missouri team that lost to Georgia 37-0 a week ago, gave up two touchdowns on offense and one each on a punt and a kickoff. But without those four scores, they would still have lost in overtime.
23. SMU: The only winless team left in Division 1, and losing by an average score of 48-6½. The refs are screwing them.
24. KENT STATE: Beat Army by 22 to win its first game, the streets of Kent were teeming with people chanting “We’re Number 126.”
25. IDAHO: Beat New Mexico State to win its first game, and the streets of Moscow were . . . well, pretty well deserted like normal. Because they don’t care either.
