We’re rapidly reaching the point where records matter more than anything else, even strength of schedule, which is actually a metric that measures SEC teams and why they keep saying they’re better.
But we’re not there yet.
There are still overachievers to be rewarded, and longshots to be honored, and finally, there are still themes beyond the playoffs to be pursued.
Like who’s had College Game Day on their campuses to help salute the thing that makes college football what it is today –- drunken students up all night with poster board and paint trying think of clever new ways to say inappropriate things about the school down the road. Parents everywhere think, “You know, crippling student loan debt is too good for the little illegitimate backstairs sprog.”
So, the teams:
1. FLORIDA STATE (6-0): Beat Syracuse bad enough that the Orange’s crap gray uniforms turned to blue . . . but were still crap. HOSTED GAME DAY.
2. MISSISSIPPI STATE (6-0): Beat Auburn, which was supposed to be slightly better. JUST HOSTED GAME DAY.
3. MISSISSIPPI (6-0): Beat Texas A&M, and has now made the entire country care about the Egg Bowl, for God’s sake. I swear, college sports is doomed. JUST HOSTED GAME DAY A WEEK BEFORE MISSISSIPPI STATE, AND DIDN’T HAVE TO RESORT TO JONATHAN PAPELBON.
4. BAYLOR (6-0): Beat TCU because the Horned Frogs did something stupid near game’s end. I’d look up what it was, but that’s not important. This is: HAVE NEVER HOSTED GAME DAY.
5. NOTRE DAME (6-0): Beat North Carolina, but just barely. This is not a good result no matter what you say, but THEY’VE HOSTED GAME DAY A BUNCH OF TIMES.
6. MARSHALL (6-0): Beat Middle Tennessee, which has a record that puts it right in the middle of everything, but that “0” speaks volumes. WILL NEVER EVER EVER HOST GAME DAY.
7. COASTAL CAROLINA (7-0): Beat Presbyterian, a school whose main function is to schedule up, gets its players’ heads kicked in, cash a check and then move on to the next head-kicking. Character building, that’s what they call it. OCCASIONALLY GETS TO WATCH GAME DAY.
8. HARVARD (4-0): Beat Cornell, but still continues to duck its archest of rivals . . .
9. MIT (4-0): Had the week off, but plays the Cern Super Collider in two weeks. COULD TURN GAME DAY INTO ATOMS IF IT WANTED.
10. NORTH DAKOTA STATE (6-0): Beat Southern Illinois like the salukis they are. HAS HOSTED GAME DAY –- TWICE.
11. RICHMOND (4-2): Over-ranked here, but beat Albany, and is prepping for the big showdown with Pinole. DOESN’T KNOW WHAT GAME DAY IS.
12. HARDING (4-0): Beat Arkansas-Monticello, but allowed 15 points which means it has now allowed a scandalous 26 for the season. IT HAS GAMES, AND IT HAS DAYS, BUT NEVER TOGETHER.
13. A BUNCH OF TEAMS AT 5-1, MOST WHO WON, SOME WHO LOST: Duke, East Carolina, Colorado State and Minnesota HAVE NEVER HAD GAME DAY, WHICH MEANS THEIR PROGRAMS ARE LIKELY TO BE DISBANDED WHEN THE BIG CONFERENCES EAT EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND SPIT OUT THE REST.
14. MASSACHUSETTS (1-6): Beat equally gormless Kent State, and DOESN’T NEED GAME DAY BECAUSE VICTORY IS THE ONLY TRUE REWARD.
15. NAVY (3-4): Beat Virginia Military, and shares with VMI, the Citadel, the Coast Guard Academy and the Merchant Marine the shame of BEING THE SERVICE ACADEMIES THAT GAME DAY HAS DELIBERATELY SHUNNED, THE UNPATRIOTIC BRUTES.
16. WYOMING (4-2): Beat Hawaii. DOESN’T NEED GAME DAY BECAUSE IT HAS SOMETHING CALLED WYOMANIA WHICH IS MOSTLY MIDDLE-AGED DEGENERATES WITH NO DISCERNIBLE TIES TO THE SCHOOL EATING, DRINKING AND PUKING THEIR WAY THROUGH CHEYENNE AND TREATED LIKE THEY WERE A BIG DEAL EVEN THOUGH, TRUST US, THEY ARE ANYTHING BUT.
17. CAL (4-2): Lost to Washington, but more importantly, PROBABLY CAN’T AFFORD TO HAVE GAME DAY COME ON CAMPUS.
18. TODD GURLEY (Hosed): Got suspended for allegedly signing autographs for money because some creep tattled on him for some unsavory motive. HE WAS ALL OVER GAME DAY AND PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED NOT TO BE.
19. KATY PERRY (Freshly Relevant): Bullied Lee Corso, drank out of a state trooper’s boot and MADE GAME DAY A BRAND NAME OUTSIDE SPORTS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
20. PENN (0-4): Crushed by Fordham but ONCE HAD GAME DAY
21. GRAMBLING (4-3): Beat Alcorn State and ONCE HAD GAME DAY TOO.
22. BOWLING GREEN (5-2): Beat Ohio and YUP, GAME DAY.
23. WILLIAMS (1-2): Lost to Middlebury. WHAT THE HELL, THEM TOO? WHY NOT ST. SCHOLASTICA OR INCARNATE WORD OR SIMON FRASER, FOR GOD’S SAKE? Although in fairness, they get credit for having the nickname Ephs and whose mascot is a purple cow. Frankly, these guys may be ranked too low.
24. THE USS SAN DIEGO (Classified): IS THERE NO DEPTH FOR THESE PEOPLE’S TASTE FOR PANDERING? WHERE NEXT, A NUCLEAR SILO?
25. HAWAII (2-4): Beat Wyoming, but more importantly, WHY GAME DAY WOULDN’T GO OUT AND START ITS SHOW AT 3 A.M. LOCAL TIME TO SEE IF A BUNCH OF DRUNKS AND SURFERS WOULD HOLD UP SIGNS SAYING HOW MUCH ALABAMA STINKS. Hey, at this point, people would watch it if it was held in a coal pit.