After last week, when some Twitter followers and other human flotsam thought that my rankings were part of the Associated Press Top 25, I have been asked to explain a key component of my voting.
I am not an AP voter.
I would have thought that was obvious when I voted for Florida International, then the UCLA defense and Chelsea . . . but I was wrong, wasn’t I?
So let me iterate. This is something you read for amusement, hatred, bile, to kill time while in the bathroom, and if college football is something you find too sacred to be mocked, well, you’re at the wrong window, Skippy.
Besides, who the hell asked you?
1. FLORIDA STATE: Taught The Citadel a lesson about hubris. Or something.
2. OREGON: Answered the question, “Can they play a big, punishing, traditional Big 10 team?” with an emphatic yes. Of course, so did Virginia Tech and Central Michigan, so big bloody deal.
3. ALABAMA: Avoided the Florida Atlantic trap game after beating West Virginia.
4. OKLAHOMA: Haven’t done anything bad on the field yet, but Louisiana Tech and Tulsa will do that to you. Or in this case, for you.
5. AUBURN: Beat San Jose State, which may not mean much to you but since Tigers play Kansas State next week and LSU two weeks after that, it probably doesn’t mean much to them either.
6. TEXAS A&M: Beat Lamar by many to not nearly enough. Hot damn.
7. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously outplayed in many areas by Stanford, but brilliant game plan to let Cardinal get into scoring position whenever it wanted paid dividends.
8. VIRGINIA TECH: The traditionally overrated Hokies untraditionally dope-slapped Ohio State, further exposing Jim Delany’s pretties as the new MAC.
9. BAYLOR: A lot of teams talk about Baylor’s schedule, and they should. Only after two weeks, nobody has played two tough opponents, so if you’re 2-0...
10. MISSISSIPPI: Only has two more tuneups before Alabama. They should enjoy those tuneups as much as possible.
11. NOTRE DAME: Finished its rivalry with Michigan by dry-cleaner-bagging the Wolveroons, and allowing the fan base to hallucinate about a national playoff spot like Berkeley on May Day.
12. CHARLIE STRONG: Just kicked off his eighth player, and then celebrated by losing to BYU, 41-7. Yeah, this is going to end really well.
13. KEI NISHIKORI: Beat Novak Djokovic to make the finals of the U.S. Open. This is worth mentioning everywhere.
14. KANSAS STATE: Beat Iowa State. Which is a thing.
15. AMEER ABDULLAH: His late touchdown against McNeese State saved Nebraska coach Bo Pelini from having to sell his house and commute to work from the famous wrestling community Places Unknown.
16. FLORIDA ATLANTIC: The Owls have been outscored, 96-7, but in the second of their two consecutive body-bag games against Alabama, they covered. And they kept the Tide below the number, too. And nobody was killed.
17. ARKANSAS: The Hogs scored six touchdowns before their 17th offensive play. True, it was against noted tomato can Nicholls State, but Arkansas hadn’t won in nearly a year. You won’t see them come this way again.
18. NEW MEXICO STATE: This is the Aggies’ fifth 2-0 start in the last 45 years. “This” is eating Georgia State by three, and “this” is the Sun Belt, but like Arkansas . . . well, for one day, what the hell.
19. PAT HADEN: The USC athletic director ran down on the field to complain to officials about an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty against head coach Steve Sarkisian. All he needed to finish the ensemble was a tiny little hat, big red clown shoes and for his lapel to shoot water. Nice job, Pat. Maybe next week at Chestnut Hill you eliminate all doubt and go pantsless.
20. IDAHO: After forcing a postponement at Florida and causing a delay against Louisiana Monroe, it is clear that the Vandals control the elements. That is something with which you do not screw.
21. EASTERN WASHINGTON: Nearly beat Washington on a green field, thereby letting Oregon know that the Huskies aren’t ready for this yet.
22. ARIZONA STATE: No big deal beating New Mexico, which is awful, but it gives me a chance to say that UCLA is not the second-best team in the Pac-12 South. Not even close.
23. RUTGERS: Well, someone has to uphold the dignity of the Big 10, and dignity isn’t something Rutgers does well these days.
24. OREGON STATE: Their white uniforms stink.
25. FRESNO STATE: 0-2 after demonstrative losses to USC and Utah, but they still have the longest home winning streak in the country. Just a reminder how useless those stats really are.