We are one week closer to the day when the College Football Playoff Committee makes its fateful decisions, naming four teams that will mostly convince the rest of the nation that it should have been eight, or 16, or 68.
In other words, their rankings will not the same as the Sad Man’s Top 25, and they are the poorer for it. In fact, let us hate them all as one, and by name.
1. ALABAMA (10-1): Because a one-loss Alabama team is mathematically better than a zero-loss anyone else, because Nick Saban can rip your flesh off just by thinking about someone else, and frankly, he scares committee chairman Jeff Long for that very reason.
2. HARVARD (10-0): Beat Yale, 31-24, when it would have been much cooler to let Yale tie the game at 24 and then walk off the field together in an homage to the Harvard Beats Yale, 29-29 game. Those hyenas.
3. MARSHALL (10-0): Barely beat Alabama Birmingham, 23-18, by falling on a fumble in the end zone. That’s not playoff football, gents, and I assure you Archie Manning would have told you that had he not quit the committee.
4. FLORIDA STATE (11-0): Barely barely beat Boston College, 20-17, on Roberto Aguayo’s field goal with three seconds left, causing Dan Radakovich to hurl a sandwich across his rec room and vote for New Hampshire.
5. OREGON (10-1): Should be higher, but beating Colorado 44-10 isn’t that big of a thing, plus I am still looking at canceled tuition checks from those thieving bastards that make the veins behind my eyes try to crawl out the front.
6. BAYLOR, TCU AND MISSISSIPPI STATE (28-3): Two of these teams are not like the other, two of these are completely hosed. All of them had the week off, so the hell with them.
7. THE OVERTIME RULES: We hate them, because we were robbed a 0-0 tie between Virginia Tech and Wake Forest. Wake won, 6-3, but it should not count because, well, bleargh. And if you like the overtime rules, ask yourself how much better your life would have been if you had retained your soul.
8. SAMAJE PERINE (427 yards): The Oklahoma freshman barfed all over Melvin Gordon’s seven-day-old rushing record, and plans to enjoy the week in which he gets to hold the new mark of 427.
9. ARKANSAS (6-5): Completely ruined the Egg Bowl by shutting out Mississippi, 30-0. CBS had used up all its Alabama games to show Ole Miss-Mississippi State, and now, what they have is the freakin’ Egg Bowl. Good planning.
10. OHIO STATE (10-1): Had to rally late to beat Indiana, 42-27, which is why Tyrone Willingham voted for Louisville. Well, that, and Louisville beating Notre Dame.
11. CONNOR KRUSE (One Carry, One Yard): The Michigan State lineman ran an end around late in the Spartans’ 45-3 win over Rutgers. It didn’t work. It didn’t have to. It was Big Ten-ny enough as it was.
12. COLORADO STATE (10-1): Beat New Mexico, 58-20, and its reward will be for head coach Jim McIlwain to learn to pronounce Navy coach Ken Niumatalolo before the Poinsettia Bowl.
13. MIT (11-0): Beat Husson, 27-20, in the first round of the Division III playoffs, and Oliver Luck now wants to see the Beavers play Johns Hopkins in the second round, where the winners will celebrate by doing a gall bladder surgery on a lucky fan.
14. ARIZONA STATE (9-2): Beat Washington State 52-31, but Condoleezza Rice thought the Sun Devils let up on that last Washington State drive.
15. GEORGIA (9-2): Beat Charleston Southern, 55-9, and Mike Tranghese said this kind of scheduling would never happen when he ran the Big East.
16. ARIZONA (9-2): Beat Utah 42-10, and Steve Wieberg was impressed enough to stop going on and on about Kansas State’s win Thursday night.
17. UCLA (9-2): Beat USC, 38-20, and Pat Haden was so angry that he voted for USC anyway by slipping a ballot with Tom Jernstedt’s name on it in a pizza box.
18. WISCONSIN (9-2): Beat Iowa, 26-24, but Hawkeyes held Melvin Gordon to 200 yards and carried head coach Kyle Ferentz off the field and into a nearby van to go pick up the postgame pizzas.
19. WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER (10-0): Beat Macalester in the first round of the D-III playoffs, 55-2, and the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel sent its Brewers writer, Tom Haudricourt, to the game because he was the staff member with the most experience covering a losing team with 2.
20. MANCHESTER UNITED (5-3-4): With six starters out, still beat Arsenal, 2-1, the biggest win yet for the team and its coach, The Crackpot Quail (Warner Brothers, 1941). Tom Osborne, who has a little Crackpot Quail in him, is impressed.
21. MISSOURI (9-2): Beat Tennessee 29-21, and Mark Emmert was so impressed he demanded another $6 million from Penn State.
22. TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS (11-8-1-1): Beat Detroit 4-1 and saluted its fans after a one-game boycott to teach their supporters that anyone can be colossally silly and petulant at any time for any reason.
23. COLUMBIA (0-10): Lost 41-7 to Brown, finishing its season with only two games with double-digit points, five double-digit games in two years and a 21-game losing streak. Barry Alvarez said it reminded him of his first Wisconsin team, and then threw up.
24. SOUTHERN METHODIST (0-10): Lost to Central Florida 53-7 and Mike Gould is telling Houston not to bother about next week.
25. SAVANNAH STATE (0-12): Held BYU to 13 second half points, making the 51 they gave up in the first half seem just unlucky.