Never mind the bollocks, here’s the Sex Pistols. Only we call it the Sad Man’s Top 25, and for those of you still taking it seriously or don’t enjoy its contempt-drenched tone, go get a weekend job, or take another look at Kim Kardashian catching champagne with her bottom-bolted glass. Either way, we aren’t really going to be of much use to each other.
1. FLORIDA STATE (10-0): Yes, you hate them, and go ahead. This has been a hateful year for college athletics all the way around, and everything should bring you sadness in one way or another.
2. MARSHALL (10-0): Don’t back-sass me, you malignant little popinjays. All these guys have done is everything you say a playoff team should do, and they don’t act all snotty and obnoxious and we-demand-Game-Day-turn-up-on-our-campus-at-crack-of-stinking-dawn about it.
3. COASTAL CAROLINA (10-0): Same argument, only with Chanticleers.
4. HARVARD (9-0): Same argument, only most of the players are going to run banks and crush you about your student loans until you die, broken and be-dumpstered. That ought to chill your attitude about the Ivies, Mr. and Ms. Smartass.
5. ALABAMA (9-1): Because Nick Saban never doesn’t do this, even when his receivers use potholders instead of gloves.
6. OREGON (9-1): Next time, don’t take the week off.
7. MELVIN GORDON, WISCONSIN (408 yards): Outrushed every TEAM in the country except Sam Houston State, which rushed for 601 in a 76-0 win over Houston Baptist. Makes you wonder what Gordon would have done if he’d played the fourth quarter.
8. OHIO STATE (9-1): Urban Meyer still has to lobby for your attention, but he seems a bit less obnoxious about it now.
9. MISSISSIPPI STATE (9-1): Be honest, kids, you trailed the whole way, and you knew this was a thing that could happen. But there’s still the Egg Bowl.
10. BAYLOR (8-1): Now you can bitch about beating TCU and not getting enough respect for it.
11. TCU (9-1): You can dress it up any way you want, but Kansas. At Kansas. I don’t think we need to say another word.
12. COLORADO STATE (9-1): Haven’t lost since Week Two. Someone has to love them other than them.
13. VANCOUVER CANUCKS (12-6-0): At a gathering of season-ticket holders, autographed a toddler with the parents’ consent. Would have been better if they’d used a fine-liner with a pointy nib rather than a Sharpie, but kids aren’t as resilient as they used to be, the little candypants.
14. CORNELL (1-8): Beat Columbia (0-9), 30-27, and also covered the spread and paid off on the over (or would have if you could find a degenerate Ivy League bookmaker). “One small step for us, one giant step for the bettors,” Cornell coach David Archer should have said, but didn’t.
15. FAROE ISLANDS (20-126-16): Beat Greece 1-0 in a European qualifier, and in Athens no less. The other road wins in their entire history were against Luxembourg, San Marino and Malta, and their next game against Narnia ought to be a barnburner.
16. GEORGIA TECH (8-2): Now that Duke disgusted us by losing to Virginia Tech, the oft-maligned Tech is a good choice here. And when you’re talking happy time fun guys, Paul Johnson is Bill Snyder East.
17. GEORGIA (8-2): Stomped Auburn after stomping Kentucky after losing to Florida. See? The stain never really goes away.
18. WISCONSIN (8-2): Rode Gordon’s coattails to beat Nebraska 31-24 without him.
19. MICHIGAN STATE (8-2): Sure, whatever, fine.
20. AIR FORCE (8-2): No good reason except to make sure Colorado State doesn’t start acting all smug and snotty at the Chapel Hills Mall.
21. ARIZONA (8-2): Rich Rodriguez quotes Gladiator? “Are you not entertained?” Well, shows you can take the boy out of Morgantown, but Tucson isn’t going to make him any hipper.
22. ARIZONA STATE (8-2): So you thought beating Notre Dame back-doored you right into the playoff picture, did you? Well, Beaver that, wise guys.
23. SOUTH FLORIDA (4-6): Needed a last-second touchdown to beat SMU. Ick.
24. LSU OFFENSE (123 total yards): Little Rock is proud. Baton Rouge wants to dredge the Mississippi with Les Miles.
25. JOSE CANSECO’S FINGER (1-0): Any body part that can leave that owner should consider itself lucky.