The World Series is happening, so college football in these parts is the equivalent of the Canadian University Caber-Throwing Championships – something that matters to other people.
But we are a full-service shop here, and after another weekend of ill-considered nonsense, here is the new Sad Man’s Top 25.
We make no allowances for taste, school affiliation, fact or interest group. We just want to get it over with.
1. MISSISSIPPI STATE: Totally good with their easy schedule, and totally uninterested in people bitching about their easy schedule. You’re giving this way too much thought.
2. TCU: 82? Really, fellas? You didn’t prove your point at, say, 61? Not that we care, mind you, but if you’re going to go for 82, why not play for the C-note?
3. GEORGIA SOUTHERN: 69? Really, fellas? You didn’t prove your point at, say, 48? Not that we care, mind you, but you should call TCU and see if you can get an ABA game going.
4. PITT: Six turnovers? Really, fellas? You didn’t prove your point at, say, the four you committed in the game’s first six plays? Not that we . . . oh, the hell with it.
5. SMU: 49 scored, 336 allowed. I think this is the actual death penalty, and they don’t do 30-for-30s on stuff like this.
6. MARSHALL: 8-0 means shut the hell up, and I am not interested in any counter-analysis. Your theories bore me, almost as much as those pictures of your family.
7. CAL PLAYING AT LEVI’S STADIUM: That was a monumental failure, and I don’t care why you thought you had to do it. Never do it again. It was stupid.
8. ALABAMA: Back to reality. Emperor Nick The Cycloptic Ravisher of Worlds is back. We know how this ends.
9. LSU: Beat Mississippi, and we know how this ends, too.
10. MISSISSIPPI: I think this just ended.
11. OREGON: Just getting back in the debate that keeps them out of the playoff. We’ve been lied to again.
12. UTAH: Beat USC, though they should rightly be included on the next rung with . . .
13. THROUGH 15. USC, WASHINGTON AND ARIZONA STATE: You can all drop dead for playing until damned near midnight. Nobody’s paying attention to any of you. You don’t matter. Tell Larry Scott to shove his TV contract right up his . . . sorry. The Nyquil’s kicking in.
16. NORTH CAROLINA: The school promises not to destroy its credibility ever again, which is pretty much like Hello Kitty promising to stop yelling at children in toy stores. Nothing from nothing means nothing.
17. MIAMI OF OHIO: Beat Kent State for its second win and Kent’s seventh loss, qualifying both for the Who Asked For This Bowl on Christmas Eve at 2:30 a.m.
18. NORTHWESTERN: Didn’t play, and the nation is thankful for the peace and quiet.
19. MO’NE DAVIS: Threw out the first pitch at Game Four of the World Series. Was placed in front of the mound, walked on top of it like she owned it, and threw a strike to Andrew Susac, who said afterward: “Vroom. Sinker. Dotted it.” Both managers said she will be available for Game 6.
20. AUBURN: What the hell? I lost interest after Davis anyway. Hope the Iron Bowl works out for you.
21. and 22. WESTERN KENTUCKY AND OLD DOMINION: 117? Really, fellas? You didn’t prove your point at, say, 96? Oh, wait. I did that already. God, I stink.
23. COLORADO STATE: Hope something works out for you guys before the power conferences have all your fellow schools turned into JiffyLubes.
24. COLUMBIA: Proud losers of 17 straight, and with 20 points scored and 96 allowed in six games, is rightly known as SMU With Brains.
25. LOU HOLTZ: Sneezed on live TV. Given the developments of the day, especially the officiating in Ohio State-Penn State, he would have been forgiven if he’d just puked all over the desk.