Lots of bad things happened to the College Playoff Rankings, unless you’re already an Alabama determinist, which is the real reason the playoff actually exists, as we all know. Fortunately, you helpless hooligans have the Top 25 More Or Less to make sense of the rest of it all.
1. FRANCE: If you have to ask, shame on you.
2. RETIRING/FIRED COACHES: The culling continues, with Gary Pinkel of Missouri calling it a career due to non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. This Hodgkin guy seems like a real bastard, since even a cancer that says “non-Hodgkin’s” still sucks.
3. HOLLY HOLM (1-0 for all we care): Because how many of us have wanted to end a fun day at work by kicking a putative superior in the face? All of us? As I suspected.
4. STEPHEN CURRY (93-20 since the start of last season): Just cheating, that’s all. Oh, and we’re all on to the remorseless throat-cutter beneath the baby face hey-I-just-got-an-automatic-toilet-and-it’s-the-coolest-thing-ever thing.
5. OKLAHOMA ((9-1, 8-2, 7-3): When you’re 15-5 in betting opportunities, notice must be paid.
6. ALABAMA (9-1, 5-5, 3-7): Watch ‘em, don’t bet ‘em.
7. OHIO STATE (10-0, 4-6, 2-8): If you can undershoot the total that often, you’re either on to something or having three starting quarterbacks was a stupid idea. Over to you, Urbs.
8. MICHIGAN STATE (9-1, 3-7, 5-5): Covered at the same time as Ohio State for the first time all year. Yay regression to the mean!
9. NAVY (8-1, 7-2, 5-4): On a bad day for favorites, Navy proudly showed why Ken Niumatalolo is having such a good vowels-to-wins ratio.
10. SYRACUSE (3-7, 6-4, 9-1): Losing to Clemson is no disgrace. Hitting the over for the ninth time in 10 games is a downright benefit to all mankind.
11. BOWLING GREEN (8-2, 8-2, 6-4): Known to people of all areas of the sport as “sneakily bettable.”
12. NORTH CAROLINA (9-1, 7-3, 5-5): Slowly but surely bringing back the phrase “do you own work.”
13. ARIZONA (6-5, 6-5, 8-3): 14-8 as a bet beats merely being bowl-eligible every time.
14. JIM HARBAUGH (8-2, 5-5, 5-5): Barely beating Indiana will make a fella testy, but so will questions about the Indianapolis Colts coaching job: “Stop yourself right there. Just stop.” Then he comes back weak with “No comment.” This is where a veteran coach says, “Or I will Judge Judy your flapping yap here and now.”
15. JOANNA JEDRZEJCZYK (10-0): Kicked a woman in the face to win the UFC strawweight title on the Rousey-gets-kicked-in-the-face undercard to maintain her own consonants-to-wins ratio. Mental note to . . .
16. RICO McGRAW (Georgia): Dropped by an enthusiastic assistant coach with one of those heartwarming head slaps football people thing are the best way to show joy. Next time, Coach Muscles Van Don’tKnow-MyOwnStrength, just give him a Tootsie Roll pop.
17. BROOKLYN (1-9, 4-6, 3-7): Took the Fightin’ Currys to overtime, holding the team’s namesake to a ridiculously poor 34 on 13-of-31 shooting before Brooklyning.
18. GOLDEN STATE (11-0, 7-4, 4-7): Wait, you have Curry and you’re this bad against the total? This doesn’t happen to Randy Wittman.
19. BAYLOR (8-1, 4-4, 6-3): And a fake injury too? Next time, include strength of acting along with strength of schedule.
20. PENN (6-3, 5-1, beats me): Threw the Ivy title into a mess by beating Hahvahd for the first time in 22 years in a game highlighted by the Hahvahd band spelling out “PENIS” for some reason. Now the Quakers, Crimson and Dartmouths are all 5-1 going into next week’s final games, and the futures of corporate law, investment banking and that-pain-in-the-ass-in-Human-Resources in the mid-21st century rest on these outcomes.
21. DAYTON (10-0): One of the last two FCS unbeatens (with MCNEESE STATE). Not sure about their record against the line is because anyone who bets FCS games is degenerate who should be locked in a shed for his or her own good.
22. MISSOURI STATE (1-9): Point differential of minus -372 speaks to betting opportunities – again, until you’re arrested and sent to the shed for correction with only Kathleen Madigan comedy routines to keep you from going mad.
23. TCU (9-1, 4-6, 5-5): Favored by 41 over Kansas. Won by six. Not acceptable. Not acceptable at all.
24. CHEYNEY (0-11): See Missouri State, only take out minus-372 and replace it with minus-459.
25. And because fair is fair, ST. THOMAS OF MINNESOTA (10-0): See Cheyney, only replace minus-459 with plus-483. Then seek help.
And until next week, go away.
