Nothing is less climactic than a committee voting to decide whose dreams are valid and whose are not.
But hey, it pays.
And now for the one poll that makes David (“The Rankings Don’t Matter”) Shaw a liar -- your Top 25, More Or Less.
1. CONRAD UKROPINA: The Stanford kicker who beat Notre Dame with a 45-yard game-ending field goal, though he’s only here because it as much fun to type “Conrad Ukropina” as it is to say “Conrad Ukropina.” Well, that and former Stanford player Shayne Skov offered to have his baby on Twitter.
2. SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI (9-3, 10-2, 5-7): Because we keep telling you winning is nothing without covering.
3. OKLAHOMA (11-1, 9-3, 8-4): We said three weeks ago if anyone could run the Big 12 table, they deserved a playoff berth. Actually, we never said that at all, but based on being 17-5 between spreads and totals, who can’t like the Sooners?
4. CENTRAL FLORIDA (0-12, 2-10, 5-6): For you darker souls, this is as good a bet as Southern Miss. And frankly, we know most of your souls, and they are plenty disturbing.
5. TEMPLE (10-2, 9-3, 5-7): Because Owls.
6. NORTH CAROLINA (11-1, 8-4, 6-6): Play in the ACC title game against CLEMSON (12-0, 5-7, 7-5), which hasn’t covered in a month. Has Dabo lost his gift?
7. OHIO STATE (11-1, 5-7, 3-9): De-mythed Jim Harbaugh.
8. DRAYMOND GREEN’S ANGRY WALK AFTER A CALL HE DOESN’T LIKE: One of these times, he will spontaneously combust – and being on fire, he will be booked for a halftime show gig with a plate-spinner and a blindfolded dog juggler.
9. ALABAMA (11-1, 7-5, 4-8): Four consecutive covers after a brutal start. Nick Saban knows what’s what.
10. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS (0-17, 9-8, 9-8): A better than average bet means that while you may question their desire, you may not question their desire to please.
11. IOWA (12-0, 7-5, 7-4-1): Watching Kirk Ferentz get mad is always as satisfying as a fine dessert – but only if you take the dessert and hurl it against the front window as a tribute.
12. WESTERN KENTUCKY (10-2, 6-5-1, 9-3): Maybe you just like betting totals.
13. SYRACUSE (4-8, 8-4, 10-2): Maybe you really like betting totals.
14. BOSTON COLLEGE (3-9, 5-6-1, 2-10): Maybe you like betting unders, and who better to deliver that than a team that leads the nation in defense and never wins?
15. LES MILES: Being fired, not being fired, being carried off the field, then really not being fired – just another week in the life.
16. TYSON FURY (116-111, 115-112, 115-112): Beat Wladimir Klitschko to be the heavyweight champion, but points off for the never good bald head-full beard combo. Next up – Holly Holm.
17. FLORIDA (10-2, 7-5, 4-8): Scores two points in the bragging-right-o-rama game with Florida State. Two. Ick.
18. UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA: Won the Canadian national championship over Montreal with a game-winning field goal, but Quinn Van Gylswyk isn’t quite as much fun to say.
19. LEBRON JAMES: Beat Brooklyn last night with an actual running hook shot. He then went back on the floor after the game to work on a two-hand set shot.
20. THE KANSAS JAYHAWK: Closed out his team’s season (0-12, 3-9, 6-6) by pantomiming throwing up into a trash can behind his team’s bench in their 14-45 near-cover over Kansas State.
21. STEPHEN CURRY: Hasn’t played a minute of a single fourth quarter in four consecutive games, and people are starting to talk about a waning worth ethic.
22. BRITISH TENNIS: (1-78): Won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. I wish I’d paid attention.
23. JAHLIL OKAFOR (108 mph over the Ben Franklin Bridge): Ahh, I remember the days when players just asked to be traded.
24. THE LOPEZ CATS: This is The Stanford Experience in one paragraph. “Brook’s cat is very two-faced,” Robin Lopez said. “Everybody loves Brook’s cat. To everybody’s face, he’s such a nice cat. And it may sound like I’m joking, but I am dead serious. He acts like a lazy, sweet cat when everybody is looking. But when their heads turn, he’ll try to chase after (my cat) Edward. The second I lay eyes on him, he’ll act like, ‘I’m a cherub. I’m innocent.’ I’m not buying it.” In fact, the brothers don’t live together because of the cats. Brook’s kitty Poupin (French for “chubby”) and Prince Edward Zephyr each have their own Instagram account.
25. WINNIPEG: Any number of reasons, most of them having to do with beer, but taking the CSN feed of Kings-Warriors Saturday night was an added bonus.
And until next year (and we mean it), go away.