The secret truth: Tim Lincecum got his two-year $35M deal from the Giants on Tuesday so that people would stop grinding on about Kim and Kanye on Monday.
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And on that front,
This update: K/K remain engaged today, proving their conviction has lasted through two full evenings’ reflection. But it’s only a matter of time before a minor league team offers them their ballpark for the inevitable midsummer annulment.
Our best guesses: the Grand Prairie AirHogs, the Great Lakes Loons, or the Modesto Nuts.
[RELATED: After Kanye's proposal, AT&T Park will never be the same]
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You’d think NFL Players get enough violent physical exertion on Sundays to quell their more felonious instincts, but no. First, Steve Smith offers to punch Janoris Jenkins in the face after the Carolina receiver found the Rams’ cornerback tweeting derogatorily about Smith’s wife. And now, Chicago tight end Martellus Bennett, one of the two Bears who were illegally clocked by Washington’s Brandon Meriwether on Sunday, tells a radio show in Chicago, “He’s a scumbag. I still want to punch him in the face.”
Sounds like a new round of league-sponsored PSAs are on the way: “Hi, I’m Dashon Goldson, and if you don’t give to NFL Charities, I’ll punch you in the face.” Hey, if people will watch Giants-Vikings, they’ll put up with any indignity – even the kind that actually rather than figuratively caves in their heads.
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Tampa Bay defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan, tired of fans bitching about his work, dared them to do what he does – come in at 5:20 a.m. for a 15-hour workday. Specifically:
“What I invite them to do is join us. I get here about 5:20 a.m. every single morning. And they are more than welcome to hang around until 11 p.m. for the first four nights of the week and they can help us put the whole game plan together. We have all the free Cokes you would want in the building. And we’ll be happy to take their suggestions on how we could better use Darrelle (Revis).”
A number of them did. They weren’t allowed access. But they did receive a free vial of MRSA as a souvenir.
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Jeff Garcia told the Cleveland Browns he is ready to fix their Brandon Weeden problem. Yes, that Jeff Garcia. The 43-year-old Jeff Garcia.
Frankly, we hope he gets his shot, because if he’s passed Tim Tebow in coaches’ thinking, the next new quarterback on the list will be Katy Perry.
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Yankee broadcaster John Sterling is your host for the Kitten Bowl February 2 on the Hallmark Channel. This is a presumably dreadful spinoff of the Puppy Bowl, which has undershot the already subterranean standards of television for years now.
Which leads us to wonder what mammalian contest our own peripatetic local larynx Dave Flemming would get in the brave new don’t-have-to-pay-the-actors entertainment world. Bears? Gibbons? Dingoes?
Or maybe, in homage to any Red Sox-Yankees game of the last 15 years, tortoises.
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A Texas parent did what parents do when confronted with interscholastic athletic injustice – he filed a bullying complaint. In this case, it was a parent whose child was on the wrong end of a 91-0 score in a high school football game in which the winning coach started substituting IN THE FIRST QUARTER.
Presumably it will fail, unless the parent is a gasbaggy lawyer with an insufficient client base. But if it helps at all, I wish to file my own complaint that either (a) prevents parents from ever attending their children’s athletic contests again so that this sort of thing never again happens or (b) all high school-and-below athletic contests involve only orphans.
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And finally, Don Mattingly got fired? Just because he bitched to the press about his treatment by the Dodgers at a press conference where the general manager was not only in attendance but sitting next to him? Well, ain’t that a kick in the head. I always assumed that this would somehow end up being Yasiel Puig’s fault.