Four years ago, Comcast SportsNet Bay Area had been provided with information that San Francisco general manager Brian Sabean had worked in league with Satan to help the Giants win their first San Francisco World Series. All of Sabean’s in-season deals turned to silver (we’d say gold, but Jose Guillen), and they cruised through the field to their first championship in 56 years. Frankly, who wouldn’t have figured that help from the netherworld had been involved?
As it turns out, though, based on new information provided in the wake of Tuesday’s 3-2 National League Division Series win over the Washington Nationals, we were incorrect.
It turns out, oddly enough, that Beelzebub has been in debt to Sabean, not the other way around, and Tuesday was merely the latest payment on that debt. A conversation provided to CSNBA confirms this.
SABEAN: Yeah, Sabean here.
MEPHISTOPHELES, DARK LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD: Brian? Satan here.
SABEAN: Listen, I got people throwing beer at me. Let me go to my office.
DARK LORD: Take your time.
SABEAN: Okay, what’s up?
DARK LORD: Just checking on the account. I took care of you pretty good tonight, didn’t I?
SABEAN: Which one?
DARK LORD: Which one? Are you kidding me? All of it! Every run! Every near run! I got someone to throw a wild pitch on an intentional walk, for God’s sake!
SABEAN: Yeah, and Posey was out, so what good did that do me?
DARK LORD: Well, replay makes it harder for me to do the inexplicable. Cut me some air here.
SABEAN: Okay, okay. At least you made the effort.
DARK LORD: But what about the rest it? Hell, man, I gave you Hunter Pence running into a chain-link face first at top speed to steal a triple. You know how hard it is to get players to do that these days? They all make too damned much money. They’re all worried about the brand, and I found you the one maniac who likes crap like that.
SABEAN: Well . . .
DARK LORD: And what about the grounder that Gonzalez lets go between his legs? The thing was traveling 13 miles an hour! It wouldn’t have reached Cabrera until Thursday! And the Vogelsong bunt? How do you think Rendon doesn’t get near that ball? Because I’m grabbing on to his stinking belt buckle from the beyond, that’s why!
SABEAN: Again, nice touch, but I’m worried that you’re losing your subtle edge here. The first two runs were stupid enough . . . I mean, I had people looking at me after the Blanco at-bat like I was pulling a fast one. And the one wild pitch, fine, nice touch. But the second one is just overkill. I don’t think in good conscience . . .
DARK LORD: What the heaven are you bringing conscience into it for? You think you can use slurs like that and not have to deal with the consequences?
SABEAN: Sorry. That was insensitive of me. But you get my point. I didn’t ask for the second wild pitch, it didn’t get us the run, and we here at Giants.co don’t pay on good intentions alone.
DARK LORD: Agreed. But the rest of it surely makes a significant dent in my obligation to the company. I’m thinking it all but wipes it out, by my calculations.
SABEAN: Calculations, my ass. You know that once you deal with humans, you can never get out. Besides, we still have the Cardinals and the World Series, so no, your debt is not yet worked off.
DARK LORD: Speaking of which, I want credit for that one. I took Kershaw and Greinke and the Dodgers off your hands without you even asking. That counts.
SABEAN: But I also don’t get the Dodger bullpen, and I have to travel more. Plus, there are only so many fried ravioli a man can eat. So it doesn’t count for that much. Frankly, if you wanted to work the debt off, you should have given us the Diamondbacks.
DARK LORD: Oh yeah, because nobody would notice that the worst team in baseball, which just fired everyone except the owner and the visiting clubhouse guy, is going suddenly appear in the playoffs! Nobody’s going to ask any questions about that? Are you nuts?
SABEAN: Hey, watch your scaly serpent’s tongue there, Skippy.
DARK LORD: Well, damn it to paradise, I’ve operated in completely good faith here, and you know my position on good anything. I mean, don’t even get a thank you or a mint on my pillow for Matt Williams not using Stammen or Clippard in an elimination game? How about some gratitude here? How about greasing the skids a bit?
SABEAN: Yeah, but Harper! What about Harper? He damned near killed Strickland’s confidence, and I don’t have another guy who can throw 100. If he had hit that ball any higher, it would have killed a satellite.
DARK LORD: I can’t do everything here, Me Damn It! Teach him a slider! Have Righetti school him on throwing one in the dirt every now and then. Harper is outside my bureau’s control. Plus, you’re talking about subtlety? Should I have him bunt every time up? Use your head.
SABEAN: Okay, okay. Here’s the deal. You get us this next World Series, and you’re off the hook, and we don’t see each other ever again. No surprises, no sneak visits. We’re done. But we get this ring, got it?
DARK LORD: The deal is struck. And just out of curiosity, who are you going to get to help you next time when I’m not there?
SABEAN: Are you kidding? I got benefactors lining up around the block ready to do anything if we can get Pence to swear at them. Don’t worry about me. I’m covered.
DARK LORD: Okay, World Series, and then we’re settled up. I’m good . . . okay, bad with that. So anyway, I have to hit the trail here. Gotta take Cerberus for a walk around the grounds to scare a few miscreants. The job never goes away.
SABEAN: Tell me about it. I've had an agent on hold for seven hours now.
DARK LORD: I know. I put him there. Hey, I got game, too.