Lance's lawyers lay out ludicrous defense
Share This Post

Lance Armstrong’s lawyers, who apparently do standup comedy in their spare time, have pegged part of their defense against the U.S. Government’s lawsuit charging him with defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of millions in sponsorship money. The claim: The USPS should have known he was a dishonest drug-engorged scam artist and bully when they signed him.

Crediting the defense here, everyone else knew it except the nine or ten Kool-Aid addicts who root for the flimsy fairy tale instead of the metric tons of evidence. I mean, how does the USPS not know he was the amoral sludge-trail and brute he has always been?

On the other hand, when was the last time you heard anyone say the United States Postal Service knew anything about anything?

In short, Armstrong’s lawyers better do better than this, or his next gig will be running the Dannemora Federal Penitentiary Veloclub Gift Shop – where the PrisonStrong wristbands are three for $10.


The state of Florida is dropping felony barking charges against Gators linebacker Antonio Morrison. Knowing what we know about the state’s unique legal concepts, I can only assume the dog got bought off by some wealthy alum – totally behind head coach Will Muschamp’s back, okay?


To all the baseball players demanding that Ryan Braun be beaten with sandbags for cheating, lying, defrauding and shaming the game they all love so much, we wish to invoke an Old English proverb as a reminder of what Braun is going through now: He who protesteth too much getteth a steel-capped boot in the groineth when the evidence turneth upon them.

[REWIND: How to properly punish Ryan Braun]

In other words, you all work among more Brauns than you are willing to admit, and some of you ARE Brauns. Most people are more angry that he got caught lying than that he actually did lie, and more are angry that he lied than that he juiced. And they’re all half-hearted moralists anyway – more invested in the perp walk than in the actual cleansing of the game, one buttock at a time.


And speaking of fun with needles, Alex Rodriguez got a second opinion about the injured quadriceps muscle the New York Yankees say he has, and that opinion is that he has no injured quadriceps muscle. In other words, he’s hurt, and he’s not hurt at the same time.

So, as we always wish to do here: a solution. Rodriguez is released and not paid another dime because he is a generally repellent figure. But the Yankees have to pay the equivalent of his salary to some charity with which they have neither an affiliation nor the means to get a tax deduction, because they are both generally and specifically repellent figures as well.

That is, if we can’t just throw them all into some Louisiana penal farm for just being them. Now who’s with me?


Greg Oden, who has been rumored to be in the plans of the Spurs and Heat, has also worked out with the Pacers and Pelicans. Judging by a recent headshot of him, I would have guessed his last workout had been with the Fort Wayne Zollner Pistons in 1956.


The first reaction to New England’s “We Knew Nothing Of Aaron Hernandez” problem? Thirty-two TMZ reporters are getting NFL jobs.


With the naming of Prince Neo Geo of Cambridge behind us, we can now get back to the important things that make England worth defending, as in Luis Suarez, Incisor To The Stars, maybe leaving Liverpool to play at Arsenal:

If Suarez does change teams, which Liverpool figure will the Uruguayan miscreant and goal scorer bite first – old vet Steven Gerrard, upcoming star Raheem Sterling, alternate upcoming star Stewart Downing, goalkeeper Simon Mignolet or manager Brendan Rogers?

And the correct answer is . . . John Henry, the entirely loopy owner of the Boston Red Sox whose hobbies include orbiting Saturn, and who probably should be bitten by someone just on general principle.

By the by, the first Arsenal-Liverpool match is November 2, which is also the birthday of famed Uruguayan international Dario Silva. So Suarez, if he decides to sign with Arsenal, would be particularly motivated to bury his inquisitive molars into someone’s exposed limb. And who wouldn’t want to see that?


And finally, this is everything you need to know about the difference between international soccer and baseball. The first names of the last three managers at Barcelona have been Pep, Tito and Tata. The last four managers of the Oakland Athletics have been named Art, Ken, Bob and Bob.

I rest my case.