Minnesota politico/meatpuppet/piñata with nervous system Pat Garofalo was surely talking about this when he decided to tweet out pithy criminal analysis of the NBA . . . right? Right? This was it, I’m sure of it.
Kyle Weidie of ESPN got Washington Wizard Marcin Gortat (well, “got” isn’t really the right verb, since Gortat is not hard to “get”) to run a little tongue-in-cheek about loosening up the fighting rules in the NBA.
Yes. The NBA.
“I would say I would loosen up a little bit the rules about the fighting fines,” Gortat said when asked what he would change about the league. “That's what I would loosen up. Because today you go to an ice hockey game, and the one thing they're waiting for is a fight, you know what I'm saying? So if they could set it up something like that in the NBA. That if there are two guys and they have a problem, if they could just separate everybody. And these two people that have problem, if they could fight . . . during the game. Quick, 15-20 seconds, throw few punches, then referees jump in and break this thing up. I think the game . . . these two guys, they resolved their problem. They're both suspended and they're leaving. But end of the day, they fix the problem between each other, fans are super excited, and I think that would be a pretty cool idea.”
Despite that blatant evidence, Garofalo issued his IAD (“I’m a dumbass”) apology Monday afternoon. He will now be a guest on Inside The NBA Thursday to be the guest of honor at a whack-a-mole game. Charles Barkley, you’re up first.
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“'I think you guys are adults,' said Bonds, asked what he would tell the conflicted BBWAA electorate, who voted 36.7 and 34.2 percent (well short of the necessary 75 percent) in his first two years on the ballot. 'I have no advice for you.'”
But does he feel he belongs?
"'Without a doubt,” he said, laughing again."
The news, of course, would have been if he’d said, “No. I’m a bad person.” But bad people have gone into the Hall of Fame often, so that wouldn’t have worked either.
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Please tell me this guy got aces cracked to make this happen: A New Zealand man has had his name legally changed after losing a drunken poker bet . . . and the name, you ask?
“Full Metal Havok More Sexy N Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frostnova.” For you dyullards who love acronyms, that’s “FMHMSNITSAATSCWF.” Pronounced Milt.
According to The Telegraph, Milt’s new name, at 99 characters, is one short of the legal limit in New Zealand, and it appears on all of his official documents. According to one of his “friends,” who posted a message on an online body-building forum (no idea, sorry), “My friend lost a bet five years ago and changed his name. He just found out it was actually accepted last week when his passport expired.”
He can change it back for $127 (NZ), but frankly, Milt is a much more mellifluous and noble name. Of course, so is Phlegmosis.
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Today In Hell: Mr. Met has joined Twitter.
Tomorrow In Hell: The remaining 12 MLB mascots will follow suit soon, because marketing. And remember, you can’t spell marketing without “What certifiable moron asked for this?” Trust me. You just have to look a little bit.
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And finally, to Jared Veldheer and Carlos Rogers as they leave the area for happier times – good night and good luck. May your injuries always be minor, and your checks always clear.