The most important development of these Olympics is the beer dispenser in the Canadian compound that only works when the user swipes his or her Canadian passport. It’s also the most disturbing, as the one thing that should not be dependent on one’s birthplace is . . . well, beer.
In other words, if there must be a passport for beer, it should be a passport from the United Federation of Planets. If you’ve ever been on one, you should be able to get a stinking beer.
So yeah. Vote for me. I dare you.
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In other Olympic news, stop being afraid of Bob Costas’ pink-eye. He’s 6,700 miles away from you. You can’t get what he’s got.
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This usually would happen in baseball, but Smoothie King, which paid to rename the New Orleans Arena after its product, once tested positive for PEDs, according to the New Orleans Times Picayune, which should know.
But the Pelicans have enough on their plates as it is, having fabricated a silly story about its child-frightening mascot, Pierre the Pelican, having to undergo “facial reconstruction surgery” after a basketball game against (oh God forgive us) other mascots.
A more just deity would have Pierre test positive for back-dated Smoothie King and be led off in gigantic neon green foam handcuffs. But we don’t live that well.
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Grambling State broke its 45-game Division I losing streak Monday night with a 95-80 win over Alcorn State, which is impressive enough for a team that deserves a little break, but mostly we mention this because of the name of the Tigers’ leading scorer.
A’Torri Shine. Simply outstanding.
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This is not about Michael Sam, but about a pioneer of years gone by, Danica Patrick, who took another fried transmission to the ego when racing icon Richard Petty followed his son by dismissing Patrick as a driver.
“If everybody else stayed home,” Petty told reporters at the Canadian Motorsports Expo when asked about Patrick. “If she'd have been a male, nobody would ever know if she'd showed up at a racetrack.
“This is a female deal that's driving her. There's nothing wrong with that, because that's good PR for me. More fans come out, people are more interested in it. She has helped to draw attention to the sport, which helps everybody in the sport.”
This is modified version of a 2006 statement in which Petty said, “I just don't think it's a sport for women. And so far, it's proven out. It's really not. It's good for them to come in. It gives us a lot of publicity, it gives them publicity.”
So Patrick apparently still has her uses for the old guys’ network, if that’s any consolation. Which it isn’t.
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And finally, an idiot, courtesy of The Guardian.
He was red-carded . . . and the entire world cheered.