Oakland politicians (yes, you, mayor Jean Quan) think they have a percolating deal with the Raiders. San Antonio politicians (yes, you, city manager Sheryl Sculley) think they could still have a percolating deal with the Raiders. My God, these people are stupid.
Thus, let me explain. You have a deal when:
1. Mark Davis (Mark Davis!) stops playing you like a cheap ocarina.
2. You’ve signed legal, binding, loophole-free contracts, and so have they.
3. You’ve piled all the money on a giant mahogany table for Mark Davis in which to luxuriate.
4. You’ve rented construction equipment with a nonrefundable deposit.
5. You use that equipment, and hire qualified people to operate it.
6. A stadium appears and the Raiders move into it.
[RELATED: Report: Raiders' new stadium proposal coming together]
Until that moment, you have nothing but your own flapping yaps, which you clearly have not, cannot and will not govern in any way.
You gabby, grandstanding posers.
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Mike Tanier of Bleacher Report went all-in on his Quarterback Nonsense Index, and you should read it in its entirety before I tell you that Colin Kaepernick “won.”
And in this case, what he “won” is the right to be judged for nonsense reasons by people who either should know better, never have known better or may never know better. It isn’t a knock on Kaepernick, so read it in that spirit (sadly, I have to telegraph it because some of you won’t get it otherwise).
I will say this, however. The occasional snapback cap he fancies is not QNI-able, but an act of overt visual criminality and shame. I mean, the young are allowed to dress as they wish, and tats are an eye-of-the-beholder thing, but some standards can never be considered “outdated.”
In other words, go fitted, or go hatless.
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Needless to say (and I hear you all say, “Then why are you saying it, you bloviating puff adder?”), NFL players think Roger Goodell went easy on Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay when he threw the unenforceable six-week suspensions and easily returnable $500,000 fine at him, thereby falling into the absurd trap of thinking that the employee gets to discipline the employer.
Well, I can fix that. When the next CBA (or as we like to call it, player screwing) comes up, make one of your non-negotiable demands a shared payment system for the commissioner, where you come up with half the dough for his salary. It’ll probably mean a long strike, and if you win, Goodell would quit because he wouldn’t have the neck flexibility to kiss up to 1700 new bosses to go with the 32 he already obeys. And then you’d have to work with the owners on someone you can both agree on, and then give the new guy the power to be a real commissioner for everyone.
And are you going to do that? Of course you’re not. You’re going to settle for the short money like you always do, lose out on that, and be reminded of your free-range cattle status until the CBA after that. If you want change, you have to walk it, not talk it.
Besides, who wouldn’t want a long and crippling NFL strike . . . just to get everybody back on track a bit?
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The next time you want to rail at a foreign athlete for not speaking English, two things: Stop speaking yourself. And then, read this from Brad Lefton of the Wall Street Journal on Ichiro Suzuki’s lingual affinity with Spanish players. It’s a hoot, with one notable asterisk for this obvious lie.
“And besides, we don't really have curse words in Japanese, so I like the fact that the Western languages allow me to say things that I otherwise can't.”
[RELATED: Mariners rout Rangers, inch closer to A's in Wild Card race]
I’m not expert in Japanese, having never spoken a word of it, but I decline the opportunity to believe you can’t curse in Japanese. Besides, it isn’t the word that makes something profane, it’s the context. Curse words can have nobility, and polite words can be utterly nauseating and hateful. Thus in that way, I believe to the depths of my dark, rotten, dung-mouthed soul that Ichiro swears like an entire shipful of Russian sailors on leave. Even if he only does it when he fouls a ball off his instep.
And if Ichiro wants to dispute that, he can damned well go $%&#@&!*<^$ until he goes blind.
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And now, actual quasi-football, stolen straight from the glorious and should-be-required-reading-by-law pages of The Onion. First, the NFC West, and for you link-resistant, the San Francisco 49ers:
“Strengths: Team still has pieces in place necessary to come up short of championship for years to come; Powerful running game should effectively set up the play-action scramble.
“Weakness: Inability to pressure quarterback Colin Kaepernick to attempt more passes.
“Key Offseason Move: Signed Anquan Boldin to $12 million contract to ensure receiver spends twilight years in San Francisco.
“Coaching Style: Leans heavily on mix of power whining and short screams.
“Key Position Competition: The starter at defensive end will be settled by the outcome of Aldon Smith’s ongoing battle against himself.
“Levi’s Stadium Security Code: 498134736.”
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And now, the AFC West, starring your Oakland Raiders:
“Strengths: Willingness to fight for every penalty yard; Failed regime just about ready to end so new regime can start, fail, and then end.
“Weakness: Tendency to allow opposing teams to score over 35 points.
“Roster: Many key players hobbled by clunky ankle monitors.
“Key Position Battle: Matt Schaub and Derek Carr should compete heavily for Raiders fans’ hatred.
“Strategy: Defensive scheme ensures Raiders offense gets ball quickly no matter who receives opening kickoff.”
And if you find this unduly hurtful to your favorite team . . . well, aaahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the NFL, Skippy. Nobody gets out alive.
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I think there are two lessons in this little episode for television producers the world over, courtesy The Big Lead.
And those lessons: Being able to tweet something is not the same as being able to tweet something that anyone else should ever see.
And an audience is best when it is kept away from the actual process of contributing writing to your show.
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The Bakersfield Condors, which gave you this, and this, and this, and even this, are now giving you this. Yeah. Seinfeld, 15 years after the show has stopped producing new episodes. Don’t you hate it when young ideas go all gray and brown?
Thus, the fifth “this” is actually fairly lame by comparison. But if there’s a sixth “this” with Game Of Thrones, The Wire, Celebrity Deathmatch or the Oakland Seals, we’re in.
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And finally, the NFL season is upon us. Pray for your forfeit souls as you sweat out your crap fantasy league team week after week, and remember, when you come right down to it, everything’s a guilty pleasure once you know how it works.
So salut’! Saludo! Slainte! Gruß! Салют! גריסט! 敬礼! অভিবাদন! Saudação! Bottoms up! Down the hatch! Here’s to swimming with bowlegged women! Choose your own toast, and if any of these are inaccurate, blame Google Translate. What do I look like to you, Rosetta Stone?
Anyway, the sentiment is clear. Football and alcohol – the two largest reasons why Ikea couch sales remain strong.