For the record, listening to football players complain about officiating will mean something to me when officials can say, “That idiot couldn’t block someone on Twitter.”
In addition, if you’ve screwed up royally to help your team lose and you still have the urge to talk about Gene Steratore’s ethical and judgmental deficiencies, your best play is to yodel a quick Gregorian chant on your way out of the locker room.
Now ask me who I’m referencing here. I triple-spit dare you.
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As for the Raiders, if your chance to win is dashed by a Vince Wilfork interception, I don’t care if the referee is Linda Holliday, Bill Belichick’s girlfriend. You have to own that one, gentlemen.
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Among the many absurdities emitted on both sides of the Steve Bisciotti presser Monday was the notion that in the wake of the Ray Rice tire fire he might be asked to sell the Baltimore Ravens.
This is what we in the interrogative torture game call a stupid question.
Who is going to force Steve Bisciotti to sell his team? Roger Goodell? Goodell works for him. Bisciotti’s partners? He doesn’t have any. His fellow owners? They believe in him and Goodell as much as they ever did. Joe Flacco? Bob Costas? Frank Pembleton? Marlo Stanfield?
Come on, you meat puppets, use that knobbly thing at the end of your neck for something other than an elaborate nostril fob. Steve Bisciotti doesn’t sell. He buys.
One thing he doesn’t do, though, is do press conferences any more. Not after Monday. In fact, the next time you see an owner doing a presser, what you’re actually seeing is a media relations director being sold to Tunisian slave merchants.
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Evidently ennobled by the Daily Show mashup of the Washington Indigenous Spread-Coverers, South Park is apparently going to fun itself with an episode on the issue. According to the mad bastards at Kissing Suzy Kolber, the plot revolves about the team losing the rights to its trademark, so Eric Cartman starts his own business called the Washington Redskins, thus enraging cartoon renderings of Dan Snyder, Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin III.
With Melissa McCarthy as Kirk Cousins.
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It is now Hope Solo’s turn in the media barrel as the U.S. women’s national team goalkeeper awaits trial for misdemeanor domestic violence. This has caused much debate about whether it is reasonable to equate what she allegedly did with Ray Rice or Adrian Peterson or Greg Hardy in an attempt to make the point that everyone is capable of coldcocking someone regardless of gender.
Swell. Let me know who wins by e-mailing me at GoBoilYourHeadsYouTediousHumanWartsYou.com.
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The Cal team store’s generous “25 percent of all New Era gear” offer after the Golden Bears’ big win over Arizona is marketing. Honoring the deal after it turns out that the Bears lost in the last second of the game is having a sense of humor.
But if you feel compelled to ask Sonny Dykes to autograph your hat, don’t be surprised if he changes your pen for a drill bit and inscribes your clavicle until he hits marrow. Some people find that sort of thing less funny than others.
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James Harrison retired a month ago, which was enough to convince him that retiring is for old people.
According to the moderately evil Ian Rapoport of NFL Network, the Pittsburgh Steelers will sign the 36-year-old Harrison this week because of injuries and, well, their defense stinks like Corpus Christi’s feet after a marathon around the Gulf of Mexico.
Hey, if you’re happy, you’re happy a little too easily.
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And finally, the San Diego Padres really are cheating here, no matter what the technicality. After taking Johnny Manziel (yeah, that one) in the 28th round of the 2014 MLB draft, the Padres are selling Manziel Padres jerseys at the bargain rate of $81.75, according to Twitroid Luke Wolfe, who also provided a photo of the hallowed No. 2.
[RELATED: Vogelsong, Giants swept in San Diego]
Hallowed? Here’s how hallowed: Bip Roberts, our colleague at CSNWhereTheBestBurritosInTheNationAreSold, wore No. 2. So did the late Alan Wiggins, whose daughter Candice starred at Stanford and is now playing in the WNBA, the original No. 2, John Sipin, and current holder Everth Cabrera.
So if you must jersify yourself, you insecure whelp, go with one of those. Manziel can’t even run a trick play right.