It is Wednesday, and Don Mattingly has not yet been fired. Maybe had he poured hot coffee in Ned Colletti’s lap while complaining about his contract, that would have done it.
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The idea of Jim Harbaugh being a huge fan of Winston Churchill’s is not all that surprising. He may in fact be more Anglophylic and well-rounded than we have come to believe (he’s also a fan of Foyle’s War, though still mum on Doctor Who, Top Gear or 10 O’Clock Live), though as a football coach that would still leave him about half a dimension short of the full three.
But if he really wants to impress us with Churchillian knowledge, maybe he can reprise the famous exchange between him and Lady Astor, in which the disapproving first female member of the British Parliament once told Churchill, “Winston, if I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee, to which Churchill replied, “Nancy, if I were married to you I'd drink it.”
Also known in some circles as “grinding the meat.”
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ESPN’s Tim McMahon noted this from Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban: “This is actually David Stern's last (board of governors) meeting and we're trying to get him drunk.” So like Cubes to try and get his good pal Davey in trouble on his way out the door. And yes, “trouble” can mean just about anything, from drunk and yelling at a policeman’s horse, to pregnant.
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Is that a slow rising frost crawling up Brandel Chamblee’s pants leg? First the Golf Channel analyst implies to the point of damned near saying Tiger Woods cheats to apologizing by saying he went too far, which is the yin and yang of American culture in the 21st century.
But we presume he is not waiting for an acknowledgement from Woods or his agent, Mark Steinberg, on said apology, as that will come when Ponte Vedra freezes over.
That would explain the frost.
[RELATED: Ray Ratto's archive]
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The mess at Grambling reminds us that sometimes it takes drastic action to get the drastic reaction required. The player boycott that caused the school to forfeit its game at Jackson State and fire its interim coach has also allowed the school president, Frank Pogue, to make it a platform for asking for money to cover not only the crumbling infrastructure but the years of budget cuts that have helped hasten the school’s dire fiscal situation.
I presume if they do raise some cash that after they admit their own role in the undoing of such an institution they will also include thank yous to the players who stood up when nobody else would. I mean, a lot of things need fixing there, don’t they?
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One additional solution to the bullying complaint filed by the parent of a Texas high school football player whose team got beaten 91-0 by an opponent which started taking out its starters in the first quarter – I mean, in addition to banning parents from watching their kids play, or allowing only orphans to play youth sports to eliminate the parent problem altogether:
Setting betting lines on games. After all, what decent parents wouldn’t be at least mollified by the notion that, though their kid might have been on the losing end of a 13-touchdown loss, maybe a carefully constructed betting line would allow them to say, “Well, at least the boy covered?”
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The great debate about how to pronounce the term “GIF” rages on, even after a New York Times story in which its creator insists it is pronounced “jif,” like the peanut butter. He is, of course, wrong, and we go to the real arbiters here – the people at large, who pronounce it as they always have, as “that thing.” As in, “Did you see that thing on the Internet about . . .?” There. Problem solved, you pedants.
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And finally, this: The NFL’s fashion/marketing/decorum police asked Colin Kaepernick if he wouldn’t mind removing his Beats headphones before doing one of his mutually painful pressers. He declined. No fine is expected, but I’d wager a quid or two on that little behavioral loophole being closed soon. The NFL hasn’t waged war on fun for all these years only to surrender to a willful quarterback with $400 earwarmers.