(We pre-empt today’s usual brand of low-grade harping, bitching and carping to send a letter to our personal seat license holders)
Dear Wallets With Feet,
As you know, our home opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers (hey, why isn’t anyone bringing up Roethlisberger?) is Thursday, and we certainly want to bring you a winning performance because . . .
. . . oh, screw winning. I mean, winning’s good and all, but mostly we’re here to shake money out of your pants, and we deeply regret that the events of the last few days have called the fervor of your typically slavish worship of us into question. We understand your sense of outrage, which is why someone in marketing thought up the Ray Rice . . . oops, sorry, not supposed to use his name any more . . . jersey trade-in.
I mean, we’re not losing any money on the deal (after all, who’s buying Flacco jerseys these days?), and since you have to come to the team store to make the exchange, maybe you’ll forget you hate us for the moment and buy something else.
I’m speaking to you with complete frankness here because . . . well, just to show you I can actually tell the truth when absolutely forced to. I don’t like doing it – it gives me the creeps, actually – but it’s like jogging, or lifting weights, or going to the museum. Sometimes you have to make an effort just to keep people off your behind.
Anyway, that’s the deal. We tried to slide our best running back through Roger’s Etch-A-Sketch disciplinary system, and we probably would have gotten away with it, but the red-headed nit forgot to convince us to buy TMZ. I mean, he’s supposed to be the big media expert, and instead we’re in a flood of crap that is reaching our earlobes.
Now don’t get me wrong. I hate violence against women. I always have. I do like violence against other teams’ players, but not women.
But everything in life is a choice, and when confronted by a choice between the right thing and 4.5 yards per carry, well, I don’t think I need to tell you how I lean. Besides, when was the last time you won your fantasy league with a good deed?
I may seem insensitive to you, but this is the kind of choice every team makes every day in all circumstances. We’ve done it before, just like every other team. And we’ll do it again, just like every other team. You’d want no different – unless you’re one of those stubborn easily-outraged types who have decided never to be associated with our great sport ever again.
Well, fine. We weren’t getting your money anyway.
Besides, we are the National Football League, and even though this episode shows we are not bulletproof, we are still bulletproof. We’re still churning out more forms of entertainment than any other sport, on more networks, and we’re looking to buy out soccer so that we don’t ever have to worry about it sneaking up on us.
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Fact is, you want us to be us, and by damn, we’re determined to see to it that we are. When you stop watching, then we’ll start rethinking the paradigm, and until then we’re just going sit back and watch the hundred dollar bills float down from the ceiling.
Toward that end, we pledge to you never to let legality, morality, decency, ethics or basic humanity interfere with the grand plan. We will continue to churn up cockamamie stories that we know you’re too weary to fight forever, and we’ll wrap ourselves in the flag and tribal loyalties and bond issues and cheerleaders and expensive leisure wear and stadium upgrades and young men who look good in tight uniforms - because it works.
And we know you are all with us, and we are with you, and we stand together, shoulder to shoulder.
Otherwise, how could we get our hands inside your pockets?
Your Pal and Corporate Overlord, Me.