The Super Bowl is set, and it will be Ballghazi, Hochuli, 49er, St. Louis and Serra High School proselytizing-free, for good or ill. Owners, other league officials, miscellaneous rich folks and people you would emigrate to avoid, however, will be everywhere, so please don’t speed up or aim at them unless you’re really sure no innocent bystanders are nearby.
Just a safety tip from your mayor Ed (Never An Unspoken Thought) Lee.
[RATTO: Broncos, Panthers bring storylines to Bay Area for Super Bowl 50]
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Oh, and to our visitors, if you get any grief from any of the snotty locals, remind them that they have a master criminal among them named “Shrimp Boy.” That typically shuts them up for awhile.
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Super Bowl notwithstanding, the best event of the week will be Spurs-Warriors Monday night. It will be too soon for any of the really contemptible swells to get into town in time to steal all the good seats, so Gregg Popovich won’t be unnecessarily bothered by anyone other than the usual bothers. Master scheduling by the NBA, it seems to me.
Oh, and him not starting Tim Duncan wasn’t done to ruin your sense of faux January NBA drama. He actually doesn’t care at all about any of you, and will tell you if for some insane reason you chose to approach him. That’s why he is the Tractor Shed Red of coaches, and we are merely cheap plastic glasses.
[POOLE: Spurs missing Duncan doesn't change anything for Warriors]
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The temporary to-do over Jose Mourinho’s alleged six-page letter asking the folks in charge at Manchester United to be hired as manager (before Louis Van Gaal, a.k.a. The Crackpot Quail, has been fired, it should be said) has come and gone, but that doesn’t affect the number of out-of-work American coaches who are taking to their laptops even as we speak on the hope that this is the new way to get back into the game.
Given that both Gary Kubiak and Ron Rivera, the two Super Bowl coaches, replaced John Fox at their current stops, I would anticipate a lot of those six-page you-want-me-just-admit-it letters are being addressed to Halas Hall.
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Why tennis should continue even if every match ever is fixed: Novak Djokovic, who after a tortuous four-set win over Gilles Simon at the Australian Open in which he had an amazing 100 unforced errors (that is, 95 more than Carson Palmer), was heckled by a fan as he began his on-court interview with a shrill, “No more drop shots!” Djokovic interrupted his answer, said, “What was that?” and the fan iterated, “No more drop shots.”
Tense moment? Not at all. Djokovic laughed and said, “I hate to admit it, but he's absolutely right.”He later added, “It would be interesting to see how many dropshot points I won. It's probably one out of 40, very low percentage. The person who shouted was absolutely right.”
How is this man not to be loved during a sport’s darkest times?
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Now a mystery is debunked with another mystery. Reggie Wayne, who worked with Peyton Manning for about 231 years, revealed to the NFL Network’s designated panel of gabby bastards (every network has several) that Omaha, Manning’s favorite line-of-scrimmage screech, means simply “the opposite.”
“Omaha means he’s going the other way,” Wayne said. “If it’s a run to the right, if it’s ‘Dive right,’ Omaha is going to be ‘Dive left.’”
But as Kurt Warner said, maybe Wayne gave a false answer to see who would bite, and Wayne even admitted at the end of the clip, “I can promise you this, that ‘Omaha’ is not going to be the same thing today.”
In other words, it was the first real nothing of Super Bowl Week. There will be more. Many many more.
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And finally, I hereby refuse to predict a winner next Sunday (the early line of Carolina minus 4 will move up, but that's all I know) . If you can’t handle your own “I know everything about football and Team X will win” blather and need someone else’s, give your car keys to the bartender. You’re too stupid to drive.