The Great Gene Keady Hair Mystery has been solved. The longtime Purdue head coach, now an assistant at St. John’s, finally revealed to the Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel not only that he had a hideous comb over (which we knew) and that he thought he looked bitchin’ with it (which he would have had to, otherwise why would he go out like that?), that he spent $600 a week maintaining it (he had extensions, of course) but that his wife Kathleen really did try to tell him he looked absurd.
“Coach thought it was pretty dapper," she told Doyel, still referring him to the same name official Ted Valentine used to call him when he would ‘T’ him up. “I think it was horrible. I mean, it was really weird-looking. And he's already so stern-looking. But with that hairdo, it was like Halloween or something.”
As it turns out, his hair also hid evidence of skin cancer. “It's possible he wouldn't be here today if he'd kept that hair,” she said, before reminding us all, “Plus, it was ugly.”
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We need a new Ambrose Bierce in this country (and it’s been damned near 100 years, so it’s more than time), so this broadcasting dictionary, from Grantland’s Bryan Curtis, the noted masseuse and Communist, is greatly welcomed. And yes, we know this website is linked to exactly the people he is describing – broadcasting types:
crawl (n.) — The part of the television screen where fantasy news breaks.
homer (n.) — An announcer who’s having a consensual relationship with a ballclub.
panelist (n.) — A man who is paid to be angry at another panelist.
“You hate to see that … ” (exp.) — What an announcer says after a gruesome injury, as a cue to his producer to let us see it again.”
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And now, a non-sports item. Evan Williams, the bourbon people, have put out a seasonal bottle which contains, and I prevaricate you not, peppermint chocolate bourbon egg nog. I just mention it to mind all of you that the holidays suck.
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On a night when Dirk Nowitzki became the all-time leading international scorer in NBA history, Kobe Bryant became the all-time planetary leader in missed shots. The 13,418th errant jumper happened with 6:22 left in the Los Angeles Lakers’ 107-102 loss at Memphis, and he missed three other 26-footers before the end, finished 10-for-26, and is now at 13,421 in a career he insists will end with him as a Laker.
In other words, Carlos Boozer is going to have a lot more rebound opportunities. And Kobe’s arms will never weary.
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Cristiano Ronaldo’s chance of being Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year wasn’t great anyway, but he did his best, based on this except from Guillem Balague’s biography of Ronaldo’s archrival Lionel Messi.
“Ronaldo, perhaps as a symptom of the immaturity that marks so many footballers, thinks it necessary to put on a brave face in front of his team-mates, not be scared of Messi and to rise to the challenge. All very macho; all very false.
“And that is why, according to some Real Madrid players, CR7 has a nickname for him: ‘motherf——r,’ and if he sees someone from the club speaking to Leo, he also ends up being baptized ‘motherf——r.’
“In that environment, Ronaldo usually compares their relationship with that between the Republic of Ireland and the United Kingdom. And the Madrid players, with their less than subtle dressing-room sense of humor, have a long list of jokes that include Messi as Ronaldo's dog or puppet, or kept in a designer handbag belonging to the Portuguese player.”
But he is a natural scorer, so it’s all good.
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And finally, from our high galactic lords and master at The Onion, this: Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’
CHICAGO—Following the team’s blowout 55-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers Sunday night, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he would be the first person to admit the team is in dire need of a new punter. “It’s certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O’Donnell,” said Cutler, who pointed to O’Donnell’s blocked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team’s unraveling and conceded that blame for the team’s loss rested squarely on the rookie punter. “Going forward, there will have to be some serious adjustments made to our punt unit—when individual players aren’t doing their part out there, we’re going to fall short as a team. Pat didn’t play well, and he needs to accept responsibility for that.” Cutler went on to acknowledge that Bears long snapper Jeremy Cain will also need to step up his performance significantly before next week’s game against the Vikings if the team is to have any chance of turning its season around.”
Why didn’t anyone in Chicago have this story, damn it? WHY?