Your job Monday evening, if you choose to accept it, you cowardly wretch, is to root unabashedly for Baltimore to beat New Orleans.
A Ravens win won’t mean much to you, but a New Orleans loss keeps the taut NFC South race at the forefront of your minds, because here’s your NFC South if the right thing happens:
New Orleans 4-7
Tampa Bay 2-9
And when you adjust to remove the games they have played against each other, your standings are:
New Orleans 2-5
Tampa Bay 2-5
That, children, is what the NFL has been this year –- an entire league that can barely win a third of its games. So Go Rampant Metaphor! Go Ravens!
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The Steve Kerr Technical Clock is at 2 after he got popped by Tom Washington Sunday night in Oklahoma City. The Babyfaced Complainer is building up steam, folks, and Jerry Sloan is only 10 ahead of him for most in one season, as far as we can tell.
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Oh, and Marreese Speights is now illegal.
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Ken Goe of the Oregonian has been covering the Pacific 12 Conference long and well, but he may as well just face the music and quit. His kind of cheap objective distance-is-good journalism is now dead, and one of the people who helped kill it was O'Hara Catholic School (Ore.) sixth-grader Charlie Pape’, who asked Oregon coach Mark Helfrich after the game if quarterback and NFL draft prospect Marcus Mariota would return to Oregon next season. Pape’ explained his curiosity thusly:
“There's three things that go on at O'Hara Catholic . . . or, four, OK? There’s Jesus, there’s girls, and there’s Marcus Mariota.”
And I’ll bet serious money that it’s not in that order, either.
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Mark Cuban is sucking up to Adam Silver again, but in the most charming kick-the-NFL-right-in-the-danglies kind of way.
“I think we're the world's biggest hypocrites when we say, ‘Oh, we don't want you betting on our games,’ and then we get all excited about the sports betting line and people go to Vegas on trips won through the NBA or the NFL. It's hugely hypocritical,” he told the Dallas Morning News’ ineffably charming Eddie Sefko. “I just think that Adam did the exact right thing by focusing on the federal regulations and making those changes there, that it will change. It's just a question of when.”
And then, having thrust the dagger, he gave it a mighty twist.
“I think over the next three to five years, it'll change and it'll be interesting to see how the NFL reacts. They so far have been adamant against it because I guess they have data that says the NFL doesn't benefit from gaming or gambling.”
Sefko, your man is a diabolical wizard.
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The Chicago Bears won yesterday wearing their throwback jerseys. They beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were wearing their throw-up jerseys. Here’s hoping they never win again until they get serious about making sure their players don’t look like cheap calculators with Hello Kitty plastic covers.
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And finally will give as much of an effort today as Marshawn Lynch, whose entire postgame interview consisted of this, as transcribed by the pasty-faced Gregg Bell of the Tacoma News Tribune:
“How did your back feel?” “Yeah.”
“Thoughts on how the defense played?” “Yeah.”
“Anything to add about today?” “Yeah.”
“Talk about the Cardinals Defense.” “Yeah.”
“What did you think of Russell Wilson’s day, overall?” “Yeah.”
“How is your back doing?” “Yeah.”
And with that, I bid you a fond “Yeah.”