Nearly every person who waxed vehemently about the general awfulness of practice NFL football, most recently after Jordy Nelson’s torn ACL in the Green Bay-Pittsburgh game, has said in the weeks leading up to the start of fake season how much they cannot wait for the return of football because it’s football and football is the most football-y thing of all.
So, in case nobody else noticed, let me just say, “Shut up. You asked for this, and you asked for it loudly and incessantly since three days after the Super Bowl ended. In a just world you would be nail-gunned to a chair, your eyelids glued open, and be forced to watch every game on an endless loop.”
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The video of the 2014 NFC rookie symposium (keynote speakers: Cris Carter and Warren Sapp) in which Chris Borland claimed the players were told to “have a fall guy” for when they got into trouble was handled, so to speak, when the league told Carter to cool it before the AFC symposium.
In other words, one conference gets fall guys, and the other doesn't. In Boston, this is known as anti-Patriot bias.
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Barbara “Gigi” Shippee, a Rhode Island resident who died Wednesday, asked in her published obituary that her friends and family help Tom Brady in his fight against Roger The Red in the most tangible way of all.
Money.
In lieu of flowers please make memorial contributions to "Tom Brady's Deflategate Defense" as she was the Ultimate Patriots Fan or to the charity of your choice.”
The league will be in court Tuesday to propose that it be made the Shippee-designated “charity of your choice.”
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Michael Jordan’s $8.9 million score for winning his lawsuit against a now-defunct grocery store for using his image in an advertisement for steak in 2009 is a mere drop in the bucket for the man who made $100 million for just existing in 2014. The defunct grocery store, which was later bought by Safeway, ran an ad in a commemorative issue of Sports Illustrated which was so successful that only two customers redeemed the $2 steak coupon. In other words, my next 730 gallons of milk will be a dollar more expensive because Michael Jordan was wronged by strangers.
The law is an ass.
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The owners of Real Mallorca, the Spanish second division side, are getting very persnickety about their playing employees. The players were handed a rule book which:
• Bans body piercings of any kind.
• Bans necklaces and sporting haircuts that the board can declare too “extravagant.”
• Bans wearing hats on the team bus or changing rooms.
• Makes post-match and post-training showers obligatory.
• Sets an 11 p.m. curfew that coach Albert Ferrer can extend to 1 a.m. -– once a week at the most.
• And in a move partly reminiscent of the good old 49er days one owner removed from the present administration, bans taking bottled water, isotonic drinks and toilet paper form the grounds for personal use.
The team celebrated this benevolence by losing its season opener at Alcorcon, 2-0. And how does this season end? In a stream of used toilet paper.
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PGA golfer Hunter Mahan, was asked a series of best-and-worst questions by Today's Golfer, which would be forgettable enough if not for the one about who is the funniest and least funny person on the PGA Tour. The comedy gold, according to Mahan, is provided by Matt Kuchar, while the least successful standup is . . .
“Jordan Spieth thinks he's hilarious,” Mahan said, “but he's an idiot.”
This is unfair. Jordan Spieth is 20 years old, and as such is required by law to be an idiot.
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And finally, Robert Griffin III has bounced back from villain to victim again, proving one more time that football’s real value is in providing entertainment to people with attention spans so short that hyperactive deer would describe them as unfocused.
