Too bad the Giants clinched while still lounging around their homes Thursday, but we can still hope the A’s slip back toward Seattle.
BECAUSE A WINNER-TAKE-ALL-GAME ON SUNDAY OR MONDAY IS WAY COOLER THAN ANYTHING THE NFL CAN GIVE US SUNDAY, that’s why. You see, it’s not hating when you are motivated only by entertainment-based self-interest. Put another way, I’m in this for me, and I much prefer sudden-death baseball to almost all other forms.
The rest of you are on your own.
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Next, London, where Raiders running back Maurice Jones-Drew admits to Comrade Bair that he is a Michigan man.
Okay, that’s a lie. For one, who’d want to admit that these days? Even Michigan men are dreaming of changing their allegiances to Rutgers.
Jones-Drew, who had hand surgery 18 days ago, has declared himself ready to go Sunday against Miami because “I’m part Wolverine, man. I would’ve played two weeks ago if it was up to me. I don’t have the final say, but I would like to go. I’m ready to roll.”
In other words, he has one of the best-known X-Man’s superpowers –- rapid healing. Me, I think I’d prefer the adamantium skeleton and the claws that shoot from his knuckles. Because, and this is absolutely and indisputably true, women are mesmerized by a guy who can do this on command.
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And now we return to Hell, where the Washington Wizards have to replace their mascot G-Man (“AKA G-Wiz,” as DC Sports Bog tells us) because G-Wizman (AKA Aidan Charlery) is leaving for Charlotte, where he will become the Hornets’ new Hugo character.
Great. Mascot bidding wars. Frankly, the apocalypse gets closer and closer to resembling two weeks in Fiji.
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Texas head coach Charlie Strong, who is trying to remake the Longhorns in his image of law-abiding citizens, is making his players take 50 percent more drug tests than his predecessor, Mack Brown, according to the Austin Statesman. This raised questions among the suspicious set about whether Strong might have stepped up his disciplinary role because he thought Brown was too lax. But Strong knows bait when it’s being dangled before him.
“I would say this,” he said, saying this, "I followed an unbelievable head coach and there's nothing here that's nowhere else."
In other words, it’s the state of the world we live in, and one from which Strong is trying to get his team to secede.
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Strong probably prefers more squeaky-clean types like Arizona State’s D.J. Foster, and when we say squeaky-clean, we mean in that rubber-duck-and-body-rinse kind of way. Foster, one of the nation’s rising offensive stars, is big on Epsom salt baths. Very big on them. Via Brian Hamilton of Sports Illustrated:
"This bath routine is a means to enhance both his preparation for football and his recovery from its rigors. Before a game, it allows Foster to visualize the many responsibilities the Sun Devils heap upon him to keep defenses off-kilter. After a game, he hops in to soothe his aching joints and muscles. In either case, he is all to himself. He is at peace. Or he would be, if only his roommates permitted it.
'They’re jealous,' Foster says. 'They ask me to borrow some salt every day. They’re just hating. They want some, too.'"
The loofa, she is irresistible, no?
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Now that South Park has finished eviscerating the Washington . . . well, their new name for the old ball team is one we can’t even dash-dash-dash . . . the next place to take up the debate of Native American sports logos is Portland, where the junior hockey Winterhawks are being asked to engage by native groups who want to speak with them about their Chicago Blackhawks-styled jersey crest.
From Colin Miner of GoLocal PDX:
“Native American activists see the logo of the Winterhawks as offensive and are demanding the team make a change.
"'Mascotry has to stop,' says Jackie Keeler, a Portland activist, member of the Navajo and Yankton Dakota Sioux Tribes, and founder of Eradicating Offensive Native Mascotry. The group is planning to send a letter to the team asking them to change their logo, which depicts a stereotype of a Native American.”
The kicker: The Winterhawks’ actual logo is . . . of a hawk. The jersey crest happened only because the new owner of the team, which relocated in 1976 after spending time in Edmonton as the Oil Kings, acquired some surplus Blackhawks jerseys.
In other words, unlike the Washington South Parks and their dodgy explanations, the Winterhawks’ crest actually depicts nothing more sinister than a cheapskate owner.
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On the other hand, then there are owners like Leeds United’s Massimo Cellino, who hailed the hiring of his team’s new manager, Darko Milanic (no, not THAT Darko), with this fusillade of praise captured by The Guardian:
“I don’t know (why I’ve chosen him). The coaches are like watermelons. You find out about them when you open them. His particular qualities? He’s good-looking, what can I tell you?”
And if that’s not enough to make you say, “Yowza Daddy!,” there’s also this:
“He does not talk much and is very pragmatic. I like him. He is a very cool guy."
Silent and cool? I hear Jed York sighing longingly in the background.
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Malaga defender Weligton was shown a yellow card in Wednesday's 0-0 draw with Barcelona for giving Lionel Messi the old choke-slam. Why that’s more like two reds, a purple, and trip to the barred-windows suite at la carcel, we’re not sure, but Weligton says he only reacted that way after . . . well, from Cadena SER:
"A minute before, Messi tried to play a one-two, I tried to block him with my arm. He thought I caught him in the face, but it was by accident. You can see from the images. He got angry and came at me, calling me a ‘son of a bitch.’ That was when I caught him by the throat."
Now THAT’S worth an $11,025 fine.
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And finally, there’s Frank Lampard, all-around good sport and target for every nutbars field-stormer from now until the end of his days. After all, you selfie for one, you have to selfie for the group.