So the Raiders’ first big signing of free agency, tackle Rodger Saffold, flunks his physical and invalidates his contract offer. Oakland gets the money back, of course, but Reggie McKenzie is now at a stage where he could spend the money better by driving to Reno, getting absolutely blasted on Fireball, going to the roulette table and putting the remaining $50-some-old million on 20.
And no, we don’t mean Darren McFadden.
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Jim Harbaugh, The Man Cultural Evolution Forgot. Here he is on new signee Jonathan Martin:
“The goal with this transition is win-win. It’s an opportunity for Jonathan Martin to prove to the football world that he is worthy of his high-round draft status. The goal is for this to be win-win. As far as the other thing, I think everybody deserves an Etch-A-Sketch opportunity for a second chance.”
Etch-A-Sketch? Why not Lite Brite? For that matter, why not just sidewalk chalk? Clearly, Jack Harbaugh thinks his younger son is actually his father.
[MAIOCCO: 49ers find trade bargains in players with sinking stock]
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New NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is already lying like a veteran on the subject of tanking. “The coaches and players, or some subset of that group, trying to lose, I don't think that's going on anywhere in the NBA, and I would take action immediately if I thought it was.
“We have a system in place that encourages teams to rebuild. They are responding to the incentives that are built into the system. If the incentives aren't right, we have to change them.”
All right then! Tazers!
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Grantland staff writer Netw3rk (it’s a family name) suggested that the Phil Jackson-New York Knicks thing was a classic example of Berkeley thinker Terence McKenna’s “stoned ape theory.” I think we can safely say that however it turns out (and Carmelo Anthony thinks it’s a done deal), it won’t end well.
Lawyers for stoned apes could not be reached for comment.
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Milwaukee reliever Francisco Rodriguez stepped barefoot on a cactus earlier this week (either Monday night or during the team's off-day Tuesday). Rodriguez was having the remainder of the cactus' spines removed from his foot Wednesday morning.
“He took a lot out, but there's some more in there,” Brewers manager Ron Roenicke told reporters. “I don't think it's that big of a setback, but I imagine he's pretty sore today. I don't know if you guys have stepped on one, but you know how little some of the (spines) are? And they're in there for a while.”
In addition, the cacti in question could have contained naturally occurring hallucinogens (say, the San Pedro cactus, though that is normally found in the Andes), so Rodriguez is day-to-day on any number of levels.
Lawyers for stoned Peruvian botanists could not be reached for comment.
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Mexican referee Marco Rodriguez got serious Joey Crawford/Bob Davidson points when he red-carded Atletico Nacional midfielder Alejandro Bernal in a Copa Libertadores match for stomping on Nacional’s Maximiliano Calzada.
In the 24th SECOND of the game. And it was a good call, too, courtesy Who Ate All The Pies.
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And finally, the NFL now has some level of content control over the Madden EA game, including crowd representations. One producer told Jon Robinson of SI’s Extra Mustard. “We incorporated accurate attendance for all the teams, and Jacksonville always had these terrible turnouts. The Jags owner got all pissed off when he heard there were empty seats when you played as his team in the game. The team called the NFL and we had to fix it immediately.”
Lawyers for Mark Davis could not be reached for comment.