Well, I guess this takes the 49ers out of the Richie Incognito sweepstakes. Or, more accurately, Richie Incognito out of the 49ers sweepstakes.
Or maybe there just aren’t going to be any Richie Incognito sweepstakes at all – a healthy reminder to the nation, which knew with metaphysical certitude that Incognito would get a new job before Jonathan Martin, knows nothing with metaphysical certitude. Life is just a series of educated guesses, until you guess wrong about the amount of your future days and people lie about a swell person you were at the wake.
[RATTO: Five reasons Jonathan Martin will not be distraction to 49ers]
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Oh, and on the subject of 49erhood, unclench your jaws and delicates, children, for I have the inside scoop on the Blaine Gabbert to 4949 Centennial deal:
1) If he plays very much, the Super Bowl dream is dead anyway even before he takes a single snap.
2) San Francisco will probably get the sixth-round draft pick back as part of next winter’s Harbaugh trade with Jacksonville if Gabbert plays very much.
3) I suspect Trent Baalke has already been told that Gabbert is making more than twice as much as C.R. Kaepernick – probably by Kaepernick’s parents, teammates and agent, for a starter.
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As for the Raiders, they treaded water with the Veldheer-Out-Saffold-and-Howard-In/McFadden-stays-Jennings-leaves fandango, and if that isn’t a metaphor for everything Raider . . . well, you know.
[BAIR: Reports: Raiders reach accord with RT Austin Howard]
Or maybe this will jog your memory: Rolando McClain is talking about making a comeback after sitting out last year to try and clear his head of its demons. Good luck to him, and remember, the Raiders aren’t the end of the road, but the sign that says the end of the road that you drive by too fast to read.
[BAIR: Saffold's contract breakdown, position with Raiders revealed]
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And while Martin has a new gig (if he wants it and can hold it), New Orleans’ Darren Sproles doesn’t – at least not in New Orleans. Better still, he found out that he was yesterday’s depth chart filler in the best way there is – Twitter.
WOW! "@ESPNNFL: THIS JUST IN: Saints now plan to trade RB Darren Sproles due to heavy interest. He will not be released.— Darren Sproles (@DarrenSproles) March 11, 2014
The stuff u find out on twitter— Darren Sproles (@DarrenSproles) March 11, 2014
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Today in moms being moms: Joe Fisher was choked out by Caleb Frasher in the third fight of an MMA event in Columbus, OH, which you don’t care about. At least not as much as Fisher's mom, who saw her son fall to the mat, climbed the cage fence and jumped into the ring to check on him. She was hustled out by security after only a few seconds, but Fisher, who seemed to be fine, had some ‘splaining’ to do backstage with his fellow chokers and chokees.
And trust us, he’s probably happy his boss isn’t Dana White.
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And finally, Newcastle United coach Alan Pardew’s final punishment for head-butting Hull City’s David Meyler is a seven-game ban, of which three forbid him from even being in the stadium, and an additional fine of £60,000 to go with the £100,000 he’d already been dinged.
So he’ll have three games left starting in May to make sure that Newcastle stays up – unless interim head-butter John Carver somehow gets the Magpies into the Europa League tournament next year (its soccer’s version of the NIT), in which case Pardew’s next butted head will be his own.