The New England Patriots finally got around to asking for the reinstatement of the equipment guys who took the (seemingly temporary) fall for Ballghazi, as though they’re not in a well-leveraged position to demand that the NFL not only reinstate them, but give them raises, contract extensions, new titles and a parade during Super Bowl Week.
I mean, justice (or what passes for justice when the NFL gets its nose rubbed in the carpet pile) can’t only be for Tom Brady, can it?
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The much revered (and, frankly, fear-inducing) Lindsay Adler of Buzzfeed reports that legislators from eight states sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday urging him to implement a league-wide standard of classifying cheerleaders as employees, which would entitle them to minimum wage and other employee protections. Currently, cheerleaders for NFL teams are classified as “independent contractors,” which allows teams to avoid paying minimum wage and impose a constant threat of being cut from the squad at any time.
Methinks the politicians would have had better luck going straight to the source. Yeah. Tom Brady, Destroyer of Industry Power Structures and Friend to the Working Woman.
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Speaking of new deals, this: Bob Melvin has just signed a two-year contract extension, and in lesser news, Sir William of Beane and Chief Constable Forst are due new titles after a mostly difficult year for the Oaklands. I have no problem with any of this, either conceptually or in execution, but I will maintain when pressed that they are all getting salary bumps and/or new business cards because the plucky Elephants have spent all but one of the last 125 days in last place in the American League West while spending every one of the last 100 days with a plus run differential.
These two things must happen, or else none of it means anything, and our entire existence has been a sad, pathetic lie.
[RELATED: A's announce contract extension for Melvin]
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M.W. Peace has been working out at the Los Angeles Lakers facility positioning himself for a potential one-year deal, which means a fabulous marketing opportunity for the team –- namely, giving him a new name. Since he stopped being Ron Artest and has outgrown Panda Friend and Ci Shiping (Chinese phonetics for Metta World Peace).
I suggest either Not Kobe Bryant, 14th Place Acquaintance or Hyper Smush Parker.
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James Blake, who was a top-ranked American tennis player for more than a decade, was tackled and handcuffed by five New York City policemen on suspicion of being part of an identity theft ring. After 15 minutes, someone thought to check his identification and let him go.
One of the five policemen apologized, for which he gets full marks, because mistakes go down easier when acknowledged. The others either couldn’t be bothered or were heading back to Arthur Ashe Stadium to see if they could link Serena Williams to a group of counterfeiters.
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Because the Irish just get it, this about Pat Flynn, an injured veteran for Longford Town soccer club. Flynn was caught unaware that his mates were playing Shamrock Rovers in the Leinster Senior Cup (you can probably stream the tournament). He saw the notification on his Twitter feed, panicked, and said he was heading to the stadium to cheer on his mates –- which he did, until, well, he tweeted out that he would be delayed by 15 minutes because he stopped at a kebab shop, and would someone be good enough to tell his manager, Tony Cousins?
“We looking good for extra time,” he tweeted in support between mouthfuls. Longford lost 1-0 in regulation. The kebab was fantastic.
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But the best news of the day comes from Norway, where Torgeir Hoås, a fourth division player, will miss a large part of the season after having his tibia and several bones in his foot snapped by a clumsy tackle by opposing player Espen Schjerven.
Schjerven was quickly shown a well-deserved red card, which worked out great for Hoas, because Schjerven also works as a doctor at the University Hospital Ullevål in Oslo. So not only could Schjerven care for his instant patient on the grounds, he was free to ride with Hoas to the hospital.
Put in American terms, it would be like Kirk Cousins selling Jason Pierre-Paul the fireworks that lightened his hand.
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And finally, Terence Newman of the Minnesota Vikings is such a god that I hope he intercepts four Colin Kaepernick passes Monday night. I don’t care about either the Vikings, 49ers, or any players on either team, but Newman is special because he knows something the rest of us should.
Red wine is the elixir of life. From the St. Paul Pioneer Press’ Chris Tomasson:
“'Red wine is the key,’ the Vikings’ 37-year-old starting cornerback said Tuesday. ‘Get it in your veins, baby. Keeps you strong.'"
[RELATED: Top 5 questions facing 2015 49ers]
“'He's got something special going on, so we're all trying to get his secrets,’ said safety Harrison Smith. ‘That was the one that he gave us was a little bit of red wine every now and then. We'll see how it goes. It's got to be red. It's good for your heart, I guess.'”
I don’t care how devout a 49er fan you might be –- red wine is better for you than any championship they have won in the past or might win in the future. Terence Newman, we who never need to guard a single wide receiver ever salute you.