Cardboard Doug Baldwin is my new idol. I want Cardboard Doug Baldwin win the Most Valuable Player award. I want Cardboard Doug Baldwin to be the new commissioner.
And I am right to want these things, because those who not believe in Cardboard Doug Baldwin are soulless invertebrates who deserve nothing but our scorn and spittle.
There. I feel better now.
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Pablo Sandoval saved even more money in Boston by picking his old jersey number, 48, which hadn’t been worn by a Red Sox player since Scott Atchison in 2012. Before him, there was Javier Lopez though, and he may ask for a grandfathered payment. In fact, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t.
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Boston owner John Henry said after signing Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez that the Sox are willing to exceed the $189 million limit for the major league baseball luxury tax, which is thoughty given that he just spent $183 million on those two guys.
In other words, we remind you, when teams spend lots of money, it isn’t the players’ fault. The owners get drunk, they yell at each other, and the next thing you know . . . well, it’s the next thing you know.
[RELATED: Sandoval: I wanted, needed a new challenge]
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If it seems like there are more routs in the NBA this early in the season (27 in the first 204 games have been decided by 20 points or more, or roughly 1 in 7), that’s because of, well, the Sixers (four) and the Lakers (four). Right now, Philadelphia is losing by an average of 16 points per game, and the Lakers 15.5. Even Oklahoma City, which is down its two best players, has only been routed once, and its 12 losses have been by a tolerable average of 9.5 points.
In other words, Oklahoma City isn’t tanking. And the Lakers and Sixers . . . well, er, uhhh, ummm . . .
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Lionel Messi is closing in Wilt Chamberlain’s record for records. Then again, Barcelona playing Apoel (Cyprus) will do that to a fella’s numbers.
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The argument between whether Tiger Woods was too sensitive when he wrote his Players Tribune story decrying the Golf Digest mock-interview story by Dan Jenkins, or whether the people criticizing Woods are too sensitive, as PT editor Gary Hoenig suggests, can be easily settled.
Shut up, all of you. You’re sucking all the fun out of stultifying tedium.
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The Buffalo Bills have announced that they will play their game Sunday against the Browns in Buffalo, which once again screws their loyal fans in Detroit who guided them to that 38-3 win over the Jets Monday night.
It all makes you think we will never progress as a species.
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John Canzano of the Oregonian tells us that Dallas, New York and Washington have all asked Chip Kelly’s old defensive coordinator, Nick Aliotti, to serve as a consultant to help explain how to beat Kelly’s offense.
“I have been asked by everybody in the NFC East.” Aliotti told the buttinsky Canzano. “The Giants asked me to come back when Chip first got the job. I didn't feel right doing that. Some teams have called when they're getting ready to play the Eagles and they call and have certain questions on the thing. Unless I know the guy and he's a good friend, I don't get involved with that.”
Now Dallas, I get. But what the hell is the point of the Giants or Washingtonioids bothering at this point? Spoiler rights? Dotting all the T’s and crossing all the I’s? Trying not to get fired? It’s revolting.
Well, okay. Not revolting. It’s . . . wait for it . . . stultifyingly tedious.
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To all the people like The Big Lead’s Jason Lisk who rage about the rule that will give a playoff berth to the NFC South winner and rob a more deserving team: Oh stop it. Chaos is good. Silliness is good. Shame is what the NFL deserves every single day, for every reason there is.
Plus, especially this week, fairness is a ridiculous concept.
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And finally, Tim Flannery has decided to quit as the Giants’ third base coach, and though he says he does so with a heavy heart, my guess is, being the musician he is, he just got to sick to death of the crushingly repetitive “Don’t Stop Believing” waterboardage.
And if that isn’t the reason, it’s still going to be the reason here.