Bad news: We only have one more day of nonsense before there is an actual game in the NBA Finals, and it apparently is Chapter 19 of “Why Are They Letting Mark Jackson Analyze Warrior Games?”
So let me help.
1. Because this is America.
2. Because you have a mute button.
3. Because you have a radio.
4. Because you are probably an adult.
5. Because he isn’t Sepp Blatter.
6. Because shut up. You actually are an adult, so act like it.
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The New Jersey Devils hired John Hynes as their new coach, which of course you give not even a massive loogie about, except for this:
His hiring gives the National Hockey League seven bald coaches, either by choice or follicular abandonment. The NBA falls behind with only six, unless either Alvin Gentry or Fred Hoiberg decides to shave his head, and the NFL and Major League Baseball are far behind – although MLB could close the gap considerably if Bruce Bochy ever took to the razor, because his head counts as three.
As for Sepp Blatter, his hair is the best part of his head, followed by the contents of his last sneeze.
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Steve Anderson, a North Dakota man who is not a member of FIFA, still got nine days in the Vertical Bars Hotel for driving drunk (he blew a .314, nearly four times the give-me-your-car-keys limit). He was drunk at a girls high school hockey game in Fargo. He was driving in the local arena. He was driving a Zamboni.
His lawyer, Lindsay Haugen, argued that he could not be prosecuted because the law is not clear whether a Zamboni is considered a vehicle, or whether it is illegal to drive the machine on the ice while drunk. He also said witnesses are hazy on whether Anderson drove the Zamboni on a road behind the arena to dump ice or whether that road was accessible to other vehicles.
The judge was unmoved. The judge was also threatened with recall when he didn’t sentence Haugen to 15 years for being a nitwit in court.
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MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, a candidate for Blatter’s job as President of Graftvania, won some public support when he postulated the best argument yet against the designated hitter in the National League.
“Not having National League pitchers hit,” Manfred told reporters at Comerica Park in Detroit, “would deprive us of the entertainment that Bartolo Colon has given us this year. It’s been a great source of entertainment for me. I don’t know about for the rest of you, but it has been for me.”
I think commissioners are largely morons who, in the immortal words of Frankie Boyle, “I would leave inside a burning house to save a pig,” but Rob Manfred won a bit of the day with that one.
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A scoreboard on Court Philippe Chatrier at the French Open collapsed Tuesday, but investigators said the scoreboard simply collapsed out of shock that Sepp Blatter had resigned rather than be dumped into a ravine by his colleagues at FIFA.
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And speaking of FIFA, which I have done to your annoyance and my amusement (and it’s my column, so if you have an objection, object over a frothing cup of Windex), the burst of enthusiasm to move the 2022 World Cup from Qatar, one of the last Confederate slave states, to the United States has been stilled by one fact:
IT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH FIFA, YOU PORRIDGE-HEADED DULLARDS! WHAT IS IT ABOUT BEING ON THE BUSINESS END OF GRAND THEFT GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT THAT APPEALS TO YOU SO?
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The WNBA has formed a committee to determine if Isiah Thomas, former player and executive and extreme woman grabber, is fit to receive an ownership stake of the New York Liberty. They will reach the wrong conclusion, of course, because the correct answer is that he should be forced to be sole owner in fact as well as name, and be personally responsible for all the team’s financial losses.
Hey, either he believes in the product, or he can go work for Sepp Blatter as the rubber-faced gibbering bastard of everyone clears out his office, one gold bar at a time.
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And finally, because you need a good shock, IOC member Richard Peterkin of Saint Lucia in the Caribbean has to vote on the 2022 Winter Olympics site, and since his island hasn’t seen snow since the governor-general was a pterodactyl, he did the only logical thing:
As an IOC member from a country that does not participate in Winter Olympics, its tough to decide. Almaty or Beijing. Help me twitterrati— Richard Peterkin (@rncpeterkin) June 2, 2015
His honesty is refreshing. That said, as a member of the IOC, he forgot that his first duty as a member is, as they say in Lausanne, “to do as FIFA do.”
Wait for the envelope.