You may guess as to why, but there hasn’t been a lot of coverage/attention/rage expended on the Patrick Kane sexual assault matter in Buffalo. Kane possesses as high-profile a name in his sport as Ray Rice was in his, he plays for the defending Stanley Cup champion, for one of the sport’s most iconic franchises, which is run by one of its most powerful owners. Indeed, the biggest items people have chosen to focus upon so far are (1) the Buffalo News, which has been doing most of the work on this story, quoting the bar owner who tried to concoct a story that the victim was all but crawling over Kane at the bar (like that should make a difference) and that (2) Kane lost his place on the cover of EA’s NHL video game.
Maybe Gary Bettman is sighing with relief about this, but it is curious that it remains steadfastly below our attention horizon because of Geno Smith and the PGA and Aldon Smith and Roger Goodell doing anything and Chase Utley’s future home. It also has been mentioned in only a few places that the NHL currently has no conduct policy at all, an oversight the owners would do well to correct with a mindful eye toward the number of ways in which the NFL’s has failed.
As for Kane, the justice system will do what the justice system will do. Let’s hope it’s the right kind.
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Yoenis Cespedes credited his first home run as a New York Met to the appearance at CitiField of a good-luck parakeet that inspired him to wear a bright yellow compression sleeve on his arm. That being the case, I think Colorado pitcher Christian Bergman should not be charged with allowing the homer, what with birds being descendants of dinosaurs and the intervention of the occult and all. Plus, old-timers will remember that in 1969 the Mets benefited from a black cat running across the field to help jinx the Chicago Cubs and aid the Mets to the World Series.
The Dodgers, noticing this, are in discussions to sign a toucan, a vulture, an eye-pecking falcon and a drone for the stretch drive, just to close the widening avian gap. I mean, when your payroll is already $305 million, screw it, right?
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Jane Rosenberg, the courtroom sketch artist who captured Tom Brady in court Wednesday as a melted bag of caramels, was inundated with criticism from people who largely gave up their meaningful lives because they were impinging on the stupidity into which they really wanted to wallow, apologized to Brady through Vice’s Joseph Swide.
“People are emailing me and calling me and trying to interview me. I don't do Twitter or Facebook so social media is not my thing. But obviously it's gone viral. Some people are like sending me snippets though – things, complaints, that I made him look like Lurch or whatever. Tell Tom Brady, I’m sorry. He's a very good looking guy and if I didn't make him look good enough, I’ll try harder next time.”
No, Jane. No apologies. It’s just that to mollify the dullards who see perpetual victimhood in this dance of despicables, you have to double down and make Roger Goodell like Terry Jones playing Jesus’ mother in “Life Of Brian.”
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It’s a good thing Stan Wawrinka had to retire by injury in losing to Nick Kyrgios in the second round of the prestigious Rogers Cup tennis tournament in Montreal (and we say “prestigious” in its traditional way, as “something that exists despite nobody asking for it”), because otherwise he’d have had to throw down when Kyrgios muttered under his breath but near a microphone, “Kokkinakis banged your girlfriend,” referencing 76th-ranked Thanasi Kokkinakis, who isn’t even at the tournament.
And no, I am unwilling to speculate as to why that is.
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At least the bastards had the decency to wait until Red Klotz was dead to kill his child. From the noted chanteuse and North Korean spy J. (middle name redacted) Posnanski.
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Okay, okay, okay. You hate links, I get it. The last one was about the Harlem Globetrotters folding the Washington Generals, thus killing Larry Brown’s last chance to get back into pro basketball.
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I didn’t even know there was a baseball tradition that you don’t do number one during a no-hitter because it might jinx the poor loon trying to achieve it, but Seattle manager Lloyd McClendon did, and he held his relief at bay from the fifth inning until the end of Hisashi Iwakuma’s no-hitter against the Baltimore Orioles.
Though I must say I am disappointed that Baltimore manager Buck Showalter didn’t do more to disrupt McClendon’s rhythm by lobbing water balloons, yelling “Puget Sound” or sending Vines of Niagara Falls, as in this.
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And finally, ignore the Spanish, unless you can speak and read it, and concentrate on the new AC Caravaca shirt. A rolling tribute to all manner of national heritage, all expended on a fourth-division team shirt, not unlike our friends with the Bakersfield Condors, who actually broke the mold of murals on jocks with a mural of the town’s country music heritage (silhouette of Buck Owens the high point). In fact, there is no jersey that can beat any of Bakersfield’s top seven, including the all-orange outfit for convicted-of-corruption Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich Night.
And yes, I do believe the marketing department does drink on the job.