Today in Oh Shut The Hell Up comes first from Phoenix, where Suns owner Bob (I’m A’Yarnin’ For The Good Ole Luddite Days) Sarver says his team is suffering from way too much millennial culture. Sarver told Dan Bickley of the Arizona Republic, “I’m not sure it’s just the NBA. My whole view of the millennial culture is that they have a tough time dealing with setbacks, and Markieff Morris is the perfect example. He had a setback with his brother in the offseason and he can’t seem to recover from it.
"I’m not sure if it’s the technology or the instant gratification of being online. But the other thing is, I’m not a fan of social media. I tell my kids it’s like Fantasy Land. The only thing people put online are good things that happen to them, or things they make up. And it creates unrealistic expectations. We’ve had a number of setbacks this year that have taken their toll on us, and we haven’t been resilient.”
Bob, unless I miss my guess, you won’t be signing any 57-year-old players any time soon, so you’d better be the one doing the adjusting.
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In order, here are your first four de-coachings of the new year:
Mike Pettine, Cleveland Browns.
Jim Tomsula, San Francisco 49ers.
Rafa Benitez, Real Madrid.
Tom Coughlin, New York Giants.
Of these, one is so Black Monday that it blots out the sun of the other three. If you didn’t pick Rafa, based on the fact that about 30 times as many people pay attention to Real than the other three teams combined, you spend the rest of the day being wrong.
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Sports Illustrated did not rank the Madrid job for desirability, in part because the job has already been filled by French icon Zinedine Zidane, but Doug Farrar did rank the likely NFL vacancies, and the 49ers rank only ahead of Cleveland. Farrar’s parting shot, after savaging Trent Baalke a bunch:
“Northern California is, for the most part, a beautiful place. Northern California, for the most part, deserves better than this.”
Funny, but Oakland is thinking, “Yeah, this is EXACTLY what Northern California deserves.”
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Justin Tuck, the former Raider who made his bones in New York, turned any debate on Tom Coughlin’s departure into this Instagram:
“therealjustintuck91As I sit back and reflect on Coach Tom Coughlin, I remember all the one on ones in your office talking football, game plan, etc. I think back to when I was named captain and I used to try and beat you to the facility. I would get there at 6, you where there. I got there at 530 and you were there. 5 am... I knew I would beat you then.. NOPE YOU WERE THERE. I remember feeling the hood of your car and it was cold. Come to find out there were nights you slept in the office. No one worked harder, no one demanded more and I LOVE YOU for it. I chose this picture for one reason and one reason only. Everyone knows you for your dedication to your team and how intense you are on the football field. But I will remember you for helping me become a man and challenging all of us to be better husbands and fathers and men. You did it the right way Coach. And you might be retiring from coaching but I'm sure this isn't a goodbye. That's not in your nature.”
He lost me at feeling the hood of the car. Otherwise, this is what the effect of coaching ought to be.
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Take this test, or be deported, courtesy Spencer Hall of Every Day Should Be Saturday.
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Reluctant NHL All-Star Jaromir Jagr, who already was looking for reasons not to enjoy being a captain, Tweeted out a new one today – his opposite number:
@68Jagr "Fans-I was afraid, that 3on3 all-Star game may kill me, now, I am more afraid, fighting John Scott (6,8 300) during All-Star, kill me for sure.”
He worries needlessly. The only All-Star fight ever involved Gordie Howe, who is now 87, and that happened in 1948, when Jagr was a relatively younger minus-25. To learn more on the temperamental differences between Howe and Scott, try this.
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And finally, here are four more building blocks for the 49ers as they begin their rebuild, from Atlas Obscura’s Sarah Laskow.
Frankly, I think a quarterback made of ununseptium is probably too unstable, but perhaps Chip Kelly could find a way.