So the 49ers have rediscovered who they are, the Raiders have been reminded of what they seemingly can never be, and the rest of the NFL is just a series of Ponzi schemes designed to make people who think they know the game seem like total prats.
Because they are.
The Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans are 3-1. The New Orleans Saints are 1-3. In fact, the only unbeaten teams left had byes Sunday, and the only team without a win is…oh, sorry, Eyepatch Kids.
[RELATED: Reece: Raiders' play 'embarrassing to our fans' everywhere]
In sum, the NFL is what you bet when you’ve decided to take up a life of poverty. If you’re betting favorites because you know who’s good and who isn’t, you’re a loser. If you’re betting overs because you know the league is all about offense, you’re a loser. If you’re betting with the public, you’re a loser.
You want real action? A better return on your money? Go to BevMo, clear out their gin aisle, and bet NHL preseason games. At least that way, you’ll know you know nothing.
[RATTO: 49ers of old return in second half vs. Eagles]
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The NFL’s executive vice president of international money-making, Mark Waller (one of the few executives there who might actually have a believable excuse for not seeing the Ray Rice tape) is now looking to the next step in the league’s conquest of Europe.
“I think what we have to continue to do is prove that it can work from an operational standpoint,” Waller said. “So can you play back-to-back games?”
Uhh, Markie, maybe you might want to check with your sources at Wembley. They’re still disinfecting the seats from Sunday, because that’s a smell that doesn’t go away with a rainfall.
[RECAP: Carr hurt, Raiders blown out by Dolphins]
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First, Giants’ Hunter Pence decides to work blue in his celebration speech Thursday night. Then, Athletics’ Josh Reddick goes ankles-in-the-air during the A’s celebration Sunday, and in doing so lets a bit of the junkpile see the light of day.
Frankly, the Bay Area has never been more baseball-y than it is right now. Colin Kaepernick’s days on the cutting edge are O-V-E-RRRRRRRRRRR.
[RELATED: Rewind: More than one cause for celebration as A's clinch]
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Joe Torre, who once managed the Los Angeles Dodgers but is now Major League Baseball’s head pain-in-the-ass/decorum cop, finally got around to explaining to the Los Angeles Times’ Bill Shaikin why he handed down a ban on the bubble machine in the Dodgers’ dugout and then lifted it a day later.
“That was just my personal feeling,” Torre said. “I'm in charge of baseball on the field, and I just didn't think it was appropriate.”
And then it was?
“There was no particular rule against it,” he said. “I just felt that was taking stuff onto the field. That was different than what was going on in the stands — the guy sliding down in Milwaukee, the (Phillie) Phanatic. Something that was happening on the field, I just didn't feel it was appropriate. But there was no rule written against it. So that's why it was out for one day and wasn't out for another day.”
We will now examine what his position on celebratory F-Bombs and accidental tackle-out poses is.
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The mayor of Anaheim, Tom Tait, is against the Los Angeles Angels’ attempt to renegotiate their stadium lease with an eye toward a new park that would be paid for by . . . well, not the Angels.
So the Angels walked out of talks that have been going on for more than a year. And good. Angels owner Arte Moreno can afford to build a new ballpark in Tustin, among people and places he has talked with, but the decision to walk on Anaheim, according to Shaikin, was to “walk away from a deal that had become stagnant and toxic, a divisive issue in city politics on the eve of a November election.”
In other words, they’ll be back when Tait has had one of those convenient “changes of mind” that politicians often have when safely out of the woods, electorally speaking.
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And now, our spiritual advisor Spencer Hall of Every Day Should Be Saturday, on Oregon’s positioning in the national playoff picture:
“You're never sure what someone does against the bye week. Rest assured that whatever it was for Marcus Mariota, it was stunning, balletic, and missed by half the sportswriters in America. He did it after their bedtimes on the East Coast. Why are our sportswriters so sleepy despite having to perform literally no manual labor during the day? Is there a chronic fatigue syndrome associated with their work? Can it be correlated with all of them watching the degenerative disease known as Michigan football during the day? It's definitely that.
“(So) Stop watching Michigan football, sportswriters, and start watching Pac-12 football, even if it's late in the day. It's why they make unregulated liquid stimulants you can purchase in bulk at any store in America and put in your stupid face. It's so you can watch Oregon and note how well their existing key victories (Michigan State and Washington State) have held up as foundational building blocks for their strength of schedule.”
Larry Scott’s check is in the mail.
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Here’s to Charlie Weis, dumped at Kansas after going 6-22 and still having another $5 million and change left on his contract. There’s not winning, and then there’s winning anyway.
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And finally, this happened last week in a Combined Counties League Division One match between Staines Lammas FC and Chessington & Hook FC. The match had to be abandoned after a bit of handbags on the field sparked more fighting among the subs, including striker Ade Oketoki, who apparently came steaming into battle while brandishing a pitchfork he’d found lying on the side of the field. A pitchfork.
If Madison Bumgarner and Yasiel Puig ever decide to have a for-real joust, I’m guessing that will be Bumgarner’s widowmaker of choice.
