Ahmad Brooks gets points for being petulant at the right time. He wasn’t first (Marshawn Lynch), so he doesn’t get fined by the NFL, and he wasn’t third (LeGarrette Blount), so he doesn’t get cut.
Frankly, Brooks is a damned genius, just for understanding timing.
[RELATED: Harbaugh: Brooks will play Sunday vs. Washington]
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And speaking of miscreants, Pittsburgh Steeler (and former Oakland Raider) Mike Mitchell has been banned from the exciting thrills, spills, chills and skills of social media by his team for telling one fan to “kill himself,” and another to “die broke.” We’re not sure if the team objected to homicide or bankruptcy more, but they have the bye week to figure out when they’re not trying to find a running back who promises to stay for a whole game.
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So ESPN is working on a 30-For-30 on “I Hate Christian Laettner.” Swell. Lots of fodder there. But the obvious question that follows is whether this is just the first of a veritable Harry Potter of “I Hates,” like, say:
“I Hate Jay Cutler.”
“I Hate Jerry Jones.”
“I Hate Ray Rice.”
“I Hate Jeff Loria.”
“I Hate Joey Crawford.”
“I Hate Will Muschamp (or Fill In Your Team’s Current Offensive Coordinator).”
“I Hate Roger Goodell.”
“I hate Dwight Howard.”
“I Hate Alex Rodriguez (its own serial).”
“I Hate Vince McMahon.”
“I Hate Adrian Peterson.”
“I Hate Mark Emmert.”
“I Hate Sepp Blatter.”
“I Hate Roger Goodell Even More.”
“Shut Up. I Hate Emmert More Than You Hate Goodell.”
“Hey, Pay Attention. Sepp Blatter. I Win.”
See, we’re just an Internet meme away.
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Tiger Woods is the latest athlete to use Derek Jeter’s Athlete’s Tribune to lay out a grievance, this one at Dan Jenkins of Golf Digest over a fake interview Jenkins held with a nonexistent Woods. The interesting thing here is not Jenkins’ work, or Woods’ pique, but that the magazine didn’t cower in fear at Woods the way it would have back in the day. And yes, this would be an extreme example of the talent/tolerance scale at work. When Woods was a cash cow, the rest of the farm took great care not to bother the milk. Now, he’s more like Brandt Snedeker, and he doesn’t have the same throw-weight.
This, children, is another example of how leverage is better than sex. Sex is everywhere. Leverage is rarer than a three-headed snowy tree owl, so when in doubt, go for the leverage. Tiger had it once. Now he’s using Jeter’s leverage. Tsk tsk tsk.
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If your child, the miserable little sock puppet, wants a future in soccer, you need to help the little brute (or brutelet) ahead of time by hitting him (or her) in the face occasionally with a shovel.
And why, you ask, heading toward your tool shed? Because the good people at the University of Colorado say so. From their study, players with wider faces are more likely to score more often and commit more fouls than their more needle-headed brethren and sistren.
The research team analyzed the facial profiles of 1,000 players from each of the 32 nations which took part at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, measuring each player’s “facial-width-to-height ratio” (FWHR) – the distance between the cheekbones divided by the distance between the midbrow and the upper lip. Very eugenic, and kind of movie-level-creepy, too.
Anyway, the study apparently found that once all 1,000 players had their respective FWHRs compared to their individual on-pitch record, those with higher ratios were more likely to score goals, make assists and also commit a higher number of fouls. So parents, call your kids in and tell them it’s time for practice. Once they stop cringing, they’ll know it’s for their own good.
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And no, we are not implying that Jurgen Klinsmann should have taken after his players on the U.S. National Team with a meat tenderizer before they lost 4-2 to Ireland Tuesday. By the time they get to him, it’s just too late.
[RECAP: US Men's National Team loses 4-1 to Ireland]
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For $160 million more than he spent on Giancarlo Stanton, Jeffrey Loria could have bought the Tampa Bay Rays, annexed Florida and made Stanton the governor. When Stanton finds this out, he’s going to be pissed all over again.
[RELATED: Marlins' Stanton agrees to richest contract in sports history]
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Now this is match-fixing we can all get behind, from L’Equipe, the French sports newspaper: Caen needed to be promoted to Ligue 1 and Mines to remain in Ligue 2 with the score both needed was a 1-1 draw, so Nimes arranged for cases of wine to be delivered to the Caen dressing room. Both club presidents have been arrested (one tradition we should take from our occasional allies), and Nimes is being investigated for other match fixes as well.
Presumably someone got cheese, someone else got pate, and everyone had a grand party in July.
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Mark Cuban, to Fred Roggin on Los Angeles radio:
“As far as the Lakers go, I think there are going to be a lot of teams that are saying, ‘I’ve got a ton of cap room,’ and signing three big free agents to come play for them. Los Angeles has always been considered a destination city, so maybe they feel that’s a valid strategy. You know me, Fred. Personally, I just hope they suck forever.”
Now what are you really saying, Cubes?
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The San Jose Sharks lost to the Buffalo Sabres Tuesday. The San Jose Sharks never don’t lose to the Buffalo Sabres. The San Jose Sharks never won’t lose to the Buffalo Sabres. This is a metaphysical truth.
Sincerely, Bill Nye The Science (and Shinny) Guy.
[RECAP: Sharks embarrassed by league-worst Sabres]
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And finally, here’s hoping that all the online fantasy betting shops ended up having to pay out big time on the Jonas Gray yardage recalculations that took his game against Indianapolis from 199 to 201 yards. This is why we can’t have nice math-based things.