Welcome once again to Angry Recriminations Theatre.
Tonight’s episode is a grisly look at what happens when the best-laid and most-paid plans of men come in contact with the laws of physics, self-absorption and gravity.
Call it “Big Trouble In The Pants House.”
Or, for you who prefer shorthand, Bears 28, 49ers 20.
Oh, it was a spectacular groining, this Sunday night beating.
It could have been the blown 17-0 lead, or the four Colin Kaepernick turnovers, or the rage over the play-calling (which of course is eternal in these parts), or the 16 penalties (including one for potty-larynx on Kaepernick himself), or the injury to tight end Vernon Davis, or the field that kept coming loose from its moorings, or the fact that it resuscitates the Jay Cutler Marching And Chowder Society, or the hilarious “This would never have happened at Candlestick Park/What the hell has Jed done to our legacy?” revisionism.
That’s the best part, of course.
It was all of it, and more. On a day when the Raiders could barely keep from throwing up all over the stadium they hate, the 49ers actually did hurl all over the stadium they love.
And because they did, shattering a bunch of records along the way, all the things they have had a hard time explaining grew that much larger. Whether it be Ray McDonald, or Jim Harbaugh’s ongoing battle of psychological paper cuts with the second floor, or the stadium’s shortcomings, no agenda item will be underplayed.
And when Harbaugh said, “Everybody’s fingerprints are all over this,” he really did mean “all.”
It is still far too early to assess the true meaning of this defeat, but in its role as an emotional pyrospectacular, it was extraordinary.
There has been the gentle undercurrent of this year being “the year,” in that “the window isn’t going to be any wider than it is right now,” and it looked like a bendy-bus sun roof when Seattle took the pipe against San Diego in the afternoon.
But after a swift start, blocking a Bears punt on the game’s first series en route to taking a two-and-a-half-score lead against a team people couldn’t wait to kick while down, the 49ers lost their way.
The running game that has always sustained it went gray and inert. Kaepernick attached himself to Michael Crabtree as ever before. The defense that had started to show some signs of fraying finally broke, first because of two long drives, and then under the weight of a series of short fields.
And it wasn’t any one thing –- that’s the weirdness.
Yes, none of the 49er secondary could guard Brandon Marshall, but he didn’t destroy them Calvin Johnson-style. Yes, they stopped running back Matt Forte from causing any damage, but the damage was done. The 49ers can claim all the stats they want, but the fact is they showed vulnerabilities and doubts and failed because of them.
And now comes the finger-pointing, which will thoughtfully be done not by the players and coaches, but by us.
A team that has won 75 percent of its games so far is now 0-for-the-last-1, and the loss was gargantuan. Now, with the traffic, the expensive food, the convection oven seats and the wonky grass, the stadium that York takes such outsized pride is 0-1, and the one is a choke job of epic proportions.
So yes, this is going to be pretty grimy down at the Pants House for awhile because, and this is always true, you don’t get a lot of chances to make a first impression. And the first impression of the new stadium is this:
At least it doesn’t have a dirt infield. Yet.
And that, friends, enemies and amorphous blobs of all ages, genders, ethnicities and creeds, is Angry Recriminations Theatre for tonight. Return with us next Sunday for our next exciting episode –- “Looking Up At The Cardinals, For God’s Sake. The Freaking Cardinals!”