This must be said off the top: Colin Kaepernick went Cam Newton on his touchdown Sunday, doing Newton’s Superman touchdown routine before his own bicep-kissing narcissist-o-fest. The Internet had a seizure about it, the way it had a seizure about Kaepernick’s 19th-century-European-museum-front collection of tattoos.
What do these events have in common? The Internet is often stupid. Kaepernick did not drop his pants and wave his buttocks in Newton’s general direction, or spin around like a demented top (as one head coach near and dear to Kaepernick’s heart did Sunday) or do anything other than offend the aggressively fogeyish.
Then again, why worry about Kaepernick when you have Jim Harbaugh, The Khaki Avenger, losing his considerable brainpan over a clock malfunction? He must surely be enough post-play entertainment for you.
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A faithful 49er and Giant fan tweeted a photo of Giants pitcher Matt Cain wearing a 49er shirt, which normally would be beneath our notice.
But the 49ers are one wrestler down for the NFC Championship Game, having lost Ric Flair to an arrest warrant in North Carolina, so the better choice might have been not Cain but Kane. I mean, the Seahawks are likely to get Rowdy Roddy Piper, so the 49ers might want to fight guile and comedic value with someone the size of an upright freezer. Besides, with TKA bellowing incoherently at referees, they already have a match for Piper.
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This week, Ahmad Brooks will jump over four cars parked end to end. I mean, hurdling Ryan Kalil, the Carolina center, is nice and all, but Seattle’s Max Unger is three inches taller, and every bit of hilarious pre-snap leaping is going to be needed for the 49ers to establish themselves as the game’s leading out-of-context kangaroos.
[RELATED: 49ers defense makes a stand]
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In non-49er news, Texas pitcher Derek Holland is out for the first half of the upcoming baseball season after injuring his knee. Some Internet rumors had him injuring himself in an amateur hockey game (why couldn’t he just lose 10 teeth like Detroit’s Dan Cleary?), but Holland threw his dog into the chipper-shredder instead, telling the Dallas Morning News’ Gerry Fraley he tripped over the quadruped sponger while running up the stairs.
“I was running around with the dog and took off up the stairs,” Holland told Fraley. “He chased me and ran up under me and undercut me, and I slammed my head on the steps. It could have been worse. I could have cracked my head open. I was doing a typical guy thing, clowning around with the dog thing, and this happened.”
As for the dog, semi-preciously named Wrigley: “I yelled at him,” Holland said, “but I didn't put him on waivers.”
Question: Who says it’s the dog that should have been waived? The dog was guilty of being a dog; Holland was guilty of being "a typical guy." And we all know which of those two species is smarter.
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The Australian Open begins Monday, and . . . nope. Unless it’s 110- degrees and players are actually finding that their shoes are stuck to the ground, or are melting themselves, this is fairly non-compelling stuff. I mean, what about the Puppy Bowl?
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The semi-mothballing of Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians’ grinning Indian logo, caused the Spokane Indians, Cleveland’s Class-A short season team, to remind folks that they are on the right side of history here. They are bringing back their Salish spelling logo that has been used on occasion since 2006, courtesy Chris Creamer’s Sports Logos in conjunction with the tribe itself.
“The Spokane Indians baseball organization has been very respectful and very kind,” Spokane tribal chairman Rudy Peone told Lisa Waananen of TheInlander.com. “The Spokane Indians are not the Spokane Savages, not the Spokane insert-derogatory-word here. It was named specifically after us. In our last meeting, last spring, they talked about changing their uniforms and using the Salish spelling for their team. That was received very well from us. They don’t have any imagery that would be not very flattering and we appreciate that.”
Well, hell, if it’s going to be that easy to do, what fun is it?
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And finally, to our good friends in Seattle, who may or may not have created another tiny earthquake when Marshawn Lynch scored Saturday against New Orleans, courtesy John Vidale of the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network via the Seattle Times.
LISTEN, YOU BRAINLESS BASTARDS, IF YOU START MAKING EARTHQUAKES, WE ALL END UP WITH OUR HATS AND ROOVES FLOATING TO GUAM! YOU, US, PORTLAND, VANCOUVER, HALF OF ALASKA, JAPAN, THE KOREAS, THE PHILIPPINES, AND ALL THE SILLY LITTLE ISLANDS INBETWEEN! YOU CAN’T GET TO THE SUPER BOWL IF YOU HAVE TO FLOAT TO NEW YORK BY GOING AROUND THE CAPE OF GOOD HOPE! WE DON’T CARE IF YOU WIN AS LONG AS YOU DON’T KICK THE PLANET IN THE GROIN TO PROVE SOME IDIOTIC POINT ABOUT THE POWER OF YOUR FEET AND YOUR CRAPPY TECTONIC PLATES! MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT, YOU MEAT PUPPETS! JUST STAND STILL WHEN YOU DO IT!
Sincerely, your fellow inhabitants of the entire Pacific Rim.